I Hate Being a Muggle

Late Friday night I was at the local Wal-Mart doing a little shopping. I do shop and I do go to Wal-Mart. I know that Wal-Mart enjoys building large 10 million square foot "super stores" on sacred indian burial grounds in towns with a minimum population of 3. But I figure that the Reservation Casinos are not much different. You go to both places, give them your money, then hope you get lucky. Besides, where can you go and buy a DVD player for five bucks?

That night I quickly retrieved some pop-tarts and jelly-bellys (I like the popcorn flavored ones...what about you?) and headed to check out. I like to choose the longest line in the store and when I saw one wrap around the outside of the building, I was in heaven.

The line was made up of a number of oddly dressed people. Most of the children were dressed up as witches and something called dementors. There were also a few adults who still had their Star Wars costumes on from the opening of ROTS. One stormtrooper was wearing a large long-haired wig and long beard over his helmet. Someone nearby called him Hagrid.

The children in front of me kept turning around, pointing a stick at me and saying "Die you filthy muggle!" Eventually I took their sticks and broke them over my knee. I was able to handle the crying but being called a ‘muggle’ disturbed me. What is a 'muggle'?

I asked the 10 year old boy behind me, who kept telling others "I am he who should not be named!" what a muggle was. He looked at me like I had just killed his dog (maybe I did, you never know). "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A MUGGLE IS???" I told him I didn't but would be willing to admit to him that I was if I am one.

Through constant snickering the boy told me all about the saga of one called Harry Potter. How his parents were killed by an evil warlock who's name we can't speak. Harry lived with his psycho aunt and uncle but was invited to some school where he did some stuff, blah blah blah. I lost interest at about that point.

I finally got to the end of the line (sometime way after midnight) where I was handed a book and told, by some minimum wage earning senior citizen, to pay for it "over there". Not only do I like standing in long lines, but also like being forced to buy things against my will.

I took the book home and read all about the adventures of Harry and his friends 'the red head annoying kid' and the hot chick that I would date if I was 15 again. She would then kick me in the groin and tell me to go to hell like all the others did. The pain was extreme but those girls still touched me 'there'.

By the way, don't read what I am going to say next if you haven't read the book yet. But in the story you will find out why they call the girl 'Horny Hermione'.

While reading the book the definition of ‘muggle’ was revealed to me. It is those people who are not witches. In the book muggles are mocked and oppressed at every turn. Therefore I am starting a campaign that will stop the persecution of muggles. I will call it Muggles Against World Persecution (MAWP). I have already called on Bono to be my 'celebrity lead' and have U2 headline MuggleAid. Which can also be an ice-cold fruity drink on a hot summer day.