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Friday, February 02, 2007

Life is Bare, Gloom and Mis'ry Everywhere

This will be the last I post I will write on global warming. Two of them in two weeks is just way too much discussion on the topic. After today I will focus on other things endangering mankind. Namely bad dentures. These evil devices have been proven to come alive and eat people from the inside. Insidious little creatures, they are.

Today people in Paris, known as "scientists", released the long awaited report on global warming. In it we are told that man is "very likely" responsible for global warming and we should feel ashamed and embarassed to the point of gashing our eyes out then sit in the middle of a busy freeway repeating to ourselves, "Oh great god of nature do not smite me with thine rays of fire and death, Oh great god of nature do not smite me with thine rays of fire and death!" It's in there, go ahead and look.

Of course this report came from an organization brought together by the UN. The same UN that brought you the oil for sex with children program. They say that policies must be put in place immediately that limit what we, humans, are doing to destroy the planet. Apparently this will be solved by giving away lots of money and planting vegetable gardens.

I propose we handle global warming the same way we handle the AIDS in Africa issue. Because people are still going to "emit greenhouse gases" no matter what anyone says, we should wrap the earth in a giant condom.

Quote of the day: "It had a very sinister appearance," Coakley told reporters. "It had a battery behind it, and wires." (referring to the "bombs" found around Boston - The devices displayed a "Mooninite" -- an outer-space delinquent who makes frequent appearances on the cartoon -- greeting passersby with an upraised middle finger. )

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

All the Tired Horses in the Sun

It is not everyday that I have breaking news on this blog. Actually, I should really get over myself since I never really have any news at all. Despite that, I have some information that is sure to shock the world.

Just when you thought you were beginning to accept the heartbreaking fact that Barbaro had indeed died, I have something that will just knock your socks off. Or your horse shoes...or your fuzzy monkey slippers...or those multi-colored socks with the toes...or whatever you put on your stinky feet.

The news is: Barbaro is NOT dead. I repeat, BARBARO IS NOT DEAD! You know what is funny? When you read something as the reader you can always go back and read it again and again. It is not like I really must say "I repeat" when you could do that. It is kind of silly really. But writers do that for "emphasis". I repeat, FOR EMPHASIS. It is to draw your attention to a very important point. The point which I have forgotten. Now, as a good reader, I would go back to the beginning of this paragraph and read what I wrote. The writer doesn't have to repeat it. Cool, huh?

Barbaro is NOT dead. I repeat, BARBARO IS NOT DEAD!

Yes, I am correct. He is not dead. I have it from a very reliable source that the horse had a nervous breakdown from all of the fame generated by his Kentucky Derby win. The poor pony was also known to have downed pain killers after hurting his leg. Then there is the well documented battle with anorexia. Spending weeks in rehabilitation did no good as he was constantly being hounded by the paparazzi. In time he came to the conclusion that the only way out of this mess was to fake his own death.

Apparently, when the horse went to be "euthanized" the gun held to his head contained blanks. A stable hand was then heard saying, "That Barbaro is a good actor. He dropped like he really did die." Another clue my VERY reliable source sent to me is that the tombstone being created for him has his name spelled "Barbarro". Very interesting indeed.

After the "euthanization" Barbaro was snuck out the back barn door wearing a trench coat and fedora. He was immediately put on a plane for a destination that has yet to be determined by my extremely reliable source. However, there have been mutiple Barbaro sightings already. A customer at a local Raleigh North Carolina mini-mart has sworn she has seen Barbaro stocking shelves wearing a uniform having the name "Flicka" on the name tag. Another person witnessed Barbaro driving a taxi and speaking with a thick Middle Eastern accent in Manhattan. Yet another swears up and down, even on the bible, she saw Barbaro employed as a lifeguard at a Phoenix area pool.

Yes, my friends, Barbaro is not dead. I repeat, BARBARO IS NOT DEAD!

Quote of the day: "He was an enormous foal," recalled breeder Bill Sanborn.