I Think My Rabbit Hates Me

Having lost all control over the insufferable actions of my gay hamsters, we decided to get a rabbit. I read somewhere once that rabbits are the natural born predators of openly gay hamsters. It was either rabbits or mountain lions. I can't remember. The rabbit was cheaper.

We strategically set up the rabbit cage not too close to, but within striking distance, of the hamster cage. I eagerly awaited the time the hamsters would put on their little i-pods and dance around to Michael Bolton. The pain of such a scene would well up to an exploding point in the bunnys head until he would HAVE to attack.

The opportunity came and went. The rabbit just sat there. Staring. An inner hope told me that he was just biding his time. Waiting for the perfect moment. I figured he was just filling up his hatred until it reached an uncontrollable level. Maybe when the hamsters were sipping on wine coolers in the jacuzzi. That would be a great time. There was a jacuzzi party and, once again, no response from the bunny.

I had the rabbits eyesight checked. It is perfect. The hearing was at its most optimum level. Limbs were working well. Everything was ripe for this animal to do it's duty to the hamsters. Still, it just sat there and stared.

An uneasy feeling came over me as I looked at him. "What are you staring at?" I would ask him. As if he would actually respond.

"What are you thinking about?" I would ask as well.

A shiver went up my spine as thoughts filtered into my mind. "I want you dead...You are evil...Change my cage or I will lay 'milk duds' in your Wheaties...I nibble at your gonads while you sleep...The mind is its own place, and in itself, Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heaven." On and on these thoughts came to me.

My breaking point was near, so I took the rabbit to a psychiatrist. They hooked him up to a machine that can read an animals thoughts. The output was "mmmm, carrots carrots carrots...I am peter cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail...THE CREEPS HAVE THE BEANS!!"

Despite the psychiatric testing results, I just know the rabbit is out to get me.