VOTE FOR ME DAMNIT!!

I have never won anything in my whole life. I have never come in first or have been #1. I have never worn a blue ribbon or a gold medal. Essentially, I have come to the conclusion that I suck. Okay okay, I did just win a small little bicycle race in France for the seventh straight time (Suck on that croissant you stinkin’ Frenchies!) but beyond that, nothing. By the way, can anyone tell me why no one from France reads this blog?

My pitiful life becomes unbearable as I think about how I long to be ‘Top’ something or other. It got to the point once that I was just about to commit suicide. I sat in a bathtub and doused myself with gasoline. As I lit the match and began to hold it up to me my wife came into the bathroom. A glimmer of new hope filled my mind when I thought that she was going save me from this act. She said, “Are you going to be long? I need to take a shower.”

In time the burns have healed, but my wounded heart still mourns.

I have decided to make one last attempt to rescue my miserable existence. In the blog world there is an ever-increasing drive by many people to have the ‘Top Blog’. To this point I have resisted such nonsense. However, seeing how many so called ‘Top Blog’ sites that are out there, I thought that maybe I will have a good chance of finally coming in first. The one I chose is here. I think the reason I chose this site is because it always has links to finding adult friends. I need an adult friend.

I know there are a couple of friends like Ruksak, Bennet, and 'The Wife' (no not mine) that are also listed. I am sure, though, they wouldn’t mind, just once, sacrificing for my own well-being?

All you need to do is click on the link to vote for me. How much easier can it be?






If you do this, I promise to do at least one of the following for you:

• I will absolve you of all your sins and promise you eternal salvation. Don’t doubt me on this…I have connections.
• I will wash your car and mow your lawn. Sometimes I get the two confused, so understand there is a risk with this one.
• I will set you up on a date with the one person you have always wanted to be with. This includes celebrities, coworkers, and animals (see? I am diverse). It is promised that you will have your full ‘way’ with him or her.*
• I will not mock Canada ever again. As a matter of fact, I will stand at the US/Canadian border with a sign that reads “Canada: I have wronged you, take me back!”
• I won't do anything because I am just too lazy to pay back the kindness of others.
  

One thing I can guarantee you is that I will continue to annoy the living earwax out of you until the day I reach number one. I am not beyond shameless promotion and thinking how great I am even though my blog sucks frog testicles.

Vote for me…please…I am on my knees!

* The person will be a reasonable facsimile of your fantasy mate, which may or may not include bad body odor, a wig, or just a cardboard cutout.