All the Tired Horses in the Sun

It is not everyday that I have breaking news on this blog. Actually, I should really get over myself since I never really have any news at all. Despite that, I have some information that is sure to shock the world.

Just when you thought you were beginning to accept the heartbreaking fact that Barbaro had indeed died, I have something that will just knock your socks off. Or your horse shoes...or your fuzzy monkey slippers...or those multi-colored socks with the toes...or whatever you put on your stinky feet.

The news is: Barbaro is NOT dead. I repeat, BARBARO IS NOT DEAD! You know what is funny? When you read something as the reader you can always go back and read it again and again. It is not like I really must say "I repeat" when you could do that. It is kind of silly really. But writers do that for "emphasis". I repeat, FOR EMPHASIS. It is to draw your attention to a very important point. The point which I have forgotten. Now, as a good reader, I would go back to the beginning of this paragraph and read what I wrote. The writer doesn't have to repeat it. Cool, huh?

Barbaro is NOT dead. I repeat, BARBARO IS NOT DEAD!

Yes, I am correct. He is not dead. I have it from a very reliable source that the horse had a nervous breakdown from all of the fame generated by his Kentucky Derby win. The poor pony was also known to have downed pain killers after hurting his leg. Then there is the well documented battle with anorexia. Spending weeks in rehabilitation did no good as he was constantly being hounded by the paparazzi. In time he came to the conclusion that the only way out of this mess was to fake his own death.

Apparently, when the horse went to be "euthanized" the gun held to his head contained blanks. A stable hand was then heard saying, "That Barbaro is a good actor. He dropped like he really did die." Another clue my VERY reliable source sent to me is that the tombstone being created for him has his name spelled "Barbarro". Very interesting indeed.

After the "euthanization" Barbaro was snuck out the back barn door wearing a trench coat and fedora. He was immediately put on a plane for a destination that has yet to be determined by my extremely reliable source. However, there have been mutiple Barbaro sightings already. A customer at a local Raleigh North Carolina mini-mart has sworn she has seen Barbaro stocking shelves wearing a uniform having the name "Flicka" on the name tag. Another person witnessed Barbaro driving a taxi and speaking with a thick Middle Eastern accent in Manhattan. Yet another swears up and down, even on the bible, she saw Barbaro employed as a lifeguard at a Phoenix area pool.

Yes, my friends, Barbaro is not dead. I repeat, BARBARO IS NOT DEAD!

Quote of the day: "He was an enormous foal," recalled breeder Bill Sanborn.

Sling Us a Web, You're the Spider-Man

Good Morning...

I received an email the other day with the very intriquing subject, "Want to be a hero in bed?". I think it is obvious to everyone reading this post that the right answer is a resounding, "I like the idea but I would rather have some Chunky Monkey ice cream instead."

What, exactly, is a "hero in bed?" I imagine I am wearing manly tights and an ever-flowing cape. "Hero mode" is in full action as I lift a steaming locomotive off a damsel in distress. Without any previous clues she suddenly reveals she is actually the villian. A rock of some universal galatic substance is pulled out from underneath her and extended to me. This rock is in reality a mineral that drains me of all my powers. I fall helpless to the pillows as the evil wench walks away cackling an evil cackle.

Eventually she heads downstairs to watch reruns of Dr. Phil.

At least that is how I envision it.

Thought for the day: Do you ever feel you are eternally being chased by a rabid ostrich?

We'll Never Forget the Way You Thrilled the Nation With Your T-formation

A little bit of history...

Blark once said to Oog, "Me want club." Oog gave Blark the club at which time Blark proceeded to beat Oog to death. Thus came about history's first hate crime. Blarg was an Oogaphobe.

Fast forward a little further and I will tell you that I spent much of my youth and young adult years in Chicago. During those times, and after, I have been a die hard Bears fan. Needless to say, I am a happy man today. It is like I just had sex for the first time in 21 years and I didn't need any...err..."help"...if you know what I mean.

So congratulations to the Bears (except to Rex Grossman, he is an albatross...I don't mean the albatross from the Rime of the Ancient Mariner but an actual albatross) and the Bears fans. They are the best fans in the world! Except for that one guy named Tom. He is a loser.

All this being said I am still going to give my Super Bowl XLI predication in an objective way. My prediction is based on scientific research and fact. My prediction is that the Bears will win by 42. I base this on the following picture.

The Colts obviously have a little more "love" involved in the game. And every knows "love" has no place in football.

Go BEARS!

PS My apologies to the one and only Saints fan I know, Bennet. Luckily we won't hear anymore about how good the Saints are for the city of New Orleans after Katrina. I certainly didn't notice any homeless people with sideline passes in the Superdome since the night of the hurricane.

I Think She's Warmin' Up to the Ice Age

Once again here is undeniable and indisputable proof that global warming is real.

Are you really going to argue against such overwhelming evidence or will you sit back in a collapsing chair of apathy and think the truth inconvienent? I pray for the survival of the children living in the year 4204 if we do nothing!

Yodelayeeee!

Jack Bauer is back and so am I. But in my case I will not lean against a tree and cry like a little baby with diaper rash. Man what a wuss.

What dragged me out of the den of obscurity and back into this wonderland? I really have no idea. Except to say, does Donald Trump really deserve a star on the Hollywood walk of fame?

I remember, back in the day, when you had to be a pretty damn good actor with a long track record of good movies before you would be given that honor. Now you just need to be an annoying real estate mogul to get one. What are the chances Donald bought the star? I bet he did. Or the father of that skanky Miss USA he pardoned owns Hollywood. Either way, I decided if Mr. Trump (as the butt kissers on his show call him) deserves a star then I do as well. And not only me, a number of other people in my life deserve one.

The additional stars would, of course, start with me. It is not commonly known, plus I don't like to draw attention to myself, but I am a pretty darn good yodeler. Or as they say in the backwoods of my old country home, "yohdlier". Yes, it's true. And to top it all off, I can do it while eating spam and eggs. High quality entertainment, that is. You too can be a master yodeler.

Another star needs to go to the lady at the drive-thru window at my local Wendy's. Not only is my spicy chicken sandwich spicy with some actual chicken, she is consistent with the amount of ketchup for my fries. I ask, "May I get a bunch of ketchup packets?" She then responds with, "Sí, usted persona estúpida. " Which loosely translated means, "I love you so much I will give you 2."

I would give a third star to the guy that keeps missing the urinal in the men's bathroom. Many of you have no clue how much talent and dexterity this actually takes. Sure, anyone could get it into that large opening in front of them but it takes great skill to get it all over the floor and across the wall. We still stare in amazement how he got it that high on the wall.

Another achievement was when I came in once and noticed him just finishing up writing the preamble of the constitution on the floor. It was cute that he wrote, "We the PEEple." Tee hee, that crax me up.

Of course the next star goes to the janitor who cleans up after that other guy.

That is the start of my list of people who deserve a star on the Hollywood walk of fame if Donald Trump can get one. The list will continue to grow. Any suggestions from the rest of you?

Thanks and have a nice day.