News & Comment - 3/23/2006

I don't have much today, except the following. Slow news day. Or I am just dogged tired. *yawn*

1) KABUL, Afghanistan — An Afghan man facing a possible death penalty for converting from Islam to Christianity may be mentally unfit to stand trial, a state prosecutor said Wednesday.

Makes sense considering the people deciding this believe bus stops and outdoor cafe's are an offense to Islam. Therefore they, the infidel bus stops, must be blown up.

2) NICOSIA, Cyprus (AP) -- A 2,500-year-old sarcophagus with vivid color illustrations from Homer's epics has been discovered in western Cyprus, archaeologists said Monday.

This is one incredible find. The ancient drawings are really revealing.


3) Chef Gets Big Send-Off on 'South Park'

Yes, poor Chef. He joins a fruity little club then gets mauled by a bear and a lion. Which is much like what the Baptists believe. Or is it when you join the Baptists you get some Juicy Fruits, a beer, and lie on a nice couch all day? I always confuse that.

Me Va La Fiesta

I learned something yesterday. It is that having a small plate of nachos and two tacos from a roadside vendor is NOT a good idea. It may be if you want to lose weight by only eating one meal a day that literally stays with you all day long and even into the night. Side effects include bloating, gaseous emissions (both nocturnal and...umm...dayturnal), and spontaneous outbursts of Julio Eglesias songs. There is no stopping me when rocking out to Me va, me va, me va, me va, me va.

I have also changed my stand on a hot social topic. There was a time when I thought, "Hell, let the Mexicans come across that border! Who am I to stop them from reaching towards that American dream?" That dream, apparently, involves hanging around Home Depots waiting for some angry white American to load them in the back of a pickup and have them pick weeds all day. Personally MY American dream involves Hostess Donettes and specific members of the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders. But maybe that is a post for another day.

Anyway, it has come to my attention, by a reliable resource at the Department of Defense, that all of this is part of a diabolical plan. Mexico is planning a full-scale invasion of the United States by covertly taking over the fast food, lawn care, and janitorial industries. They do this by feeding you delicious "native" Mexican food which will cause stomach and intestine spasms so severe you are knocked out for a good 24 hours. When trying to use the bathroom their elite and highly trained spies in the Janitorial Ninjas back up every toilet in town. Or they may make sure your flush is not as forceful as it should be.

I did hear from my friend at the DOD that the U.S. has launched a counter attack by putting out counterfeit Mexican products that act as a sort of anti-venom. Examples include Taco Bell, Doritos, a frustrated chain-smoking maid named Marge, frozen bean burritos, and Cheech & Chong. These items have their own side effects that can be disastrous, but we all know that some collateral damage in war is accepted.

Note: No Mexicans were harmed during the creation of this post.

News & Comment - 3/21/2006

1) Bush Urges Optimism - President tells Americans to see Iraq's developing democracy beyond scenes of violence.

Every good and efficient democracy started out violent and remains violent. For example, the Gabonese Republic began with a heated game of Rocks, Paper, Scissors. Riots tore through the heartland when one representive of a native group pulled out the rarely seen but effective 'Dynamite' play. This is done by holding the hand out with the index finger in a pointing motion. The 'pointy' finger represents the fuse of a stick of dynamite. Of course, NOTHING beats dynamite. The other group protested the move complaining that a player can only use dynamite once every 4 years. They argued that their competitors used it two years early. When it appeared there would be no resolution mayhem ensued. At least 10 people suffered severe wet willeys in the civil war. Finally the groups agreed to a peace plan and democracy was born in Gabon.

Or, President Bush is just trying to distract us with juggling and hand puppets.

2) Race for space tourism blasts off

Ho ho ho, headline writers have the best jobs. I never would have seen that coming.

Apparently one can spend $24 million for a trip to many reaches of outer space just for...fun. That is also roughly the cost of a roundtrip ticket from Seattle to Pocatello, Idaho. But what, precisely, would one see after spending such money for a ride into space? A nice beach on an alien planet where your father will be downloading all of your secret desires and knowledge through a flexi-straw connected to your ear. We all know this is true, Jodi Foster proved it to us.

3) Woman With Perfect Memory Baffles Scientists - Patient Remembers Every Day and Almost Every Detail of Her Life

First off, why is it news that scientists would be baffled? Every scientist I know has been baffled. As a matter of fact, if they weren't baffled then there would be nothing for them to research anymore...like there are differences between men and women. I don't need a scientist to tell me I am different from a woman. A woman was born wrapped in a pink blanket and men wrapped in a blue blanket. Duh! For more thoughts on science see #5.

As for the woman who remembers every detail of her life...sorry, I forgot what I was going to say.

4) The Blame Game and Obesity in America

I blame food.

5) Dinosaur May Have Had Longest Neck Ever

Note to all the super smart scientists. That isn't the dinosaurs neck you are examining. I think the fossilized box of Enzyte would have given it away.

I Washed My Hands in Muddy Water

Hello...

You still here?

I admire you for your patience.

I washed my hands yesterday evening using a 'stinky' soap from Bath & Body Works. It was one hanging around the home and not intentionally sought after as a cleansing agent. My hands were dirty, it was there, and it was 'Anti-Bacterial'.

The only problem is, I think it gave me skin cancer. Upon completion of the drying action I noticed my hands were full of...sparkles. There were freakin' sparkles on my hands. This may also be the first indication of leprosy (I read that in a medical textbook once. It stated, "Leprosy begins with flashy sparkles on the back of the hand until it works it's way up the arms and chokes the victim with tubes of glitter.").

So I now have leprosy but my hands smell like 'Cotton Blossom' with Green Tea Extract and Shea Butter. Which, amazingly enough, I usually have for breakfast. There is nothing like an english muffin with Shea Butter and honey.

...With a Baseball Bat

It has been another one of "those" weekends. Just to sum it all up...

1. Had some major cramps and bloating. I am not sure what this means, but it happens about once a month and makes me want to eat chocolate and cry while watching Oprah. Then there is this urge to go around kicking men in the groin.

2. Brokeback didn't win best picture. This really depresses me.

3. I can't get "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" out of my head. Yet another internet phenomenon that ran it's course about 5 years ago. It is at least making a comeback in my household. My kids ran around singing it all weekend. I just know this is about some evil sexual metaphor. But it is sure cute when they sing it. "Where he at? There he go!" Of course, the best version of it is from the Family Guy...




4. Then, when I logged into Trillian this morning, I get this:

*** Error logging into AIM: Error code 29: We think this means the AIM/ICQ servers are sick of seeing connections from your IP address. Wait a few minutes and try again.

Something tells me I should be offended. That will have to wait until I over this cramping.

Just Drop Off the Key, Lee

The Adventurous Adventures of Corduroy Boy!

Lurking the hallways at el lugar de mi empleo roams an unassuming hero. Most of the day you can find him sitting in his cubicle writing code as a typical mid-range developer. At these times of the day all is quiet in the office. Sure, you will hear people moving softly around picking up print jobs from the printer, talking quietly on conference calls, or tapping on keyboards. However, that quiet office environment suddenly becomes disrupted when our hero jumps into action.

You know when he has been called on for another world-saving adventure because you hear him coming down the hall with his distinctive sound, "Vrrrrrrippp Vrrrrrrippp Vrrrrrrippp Vrrrrrrippp Vrrrrrrippp". You can also tell the seriousness of the situation by how fast or slow he goes. Sometimes it is "Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiipppppppppp Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiipppppppppp Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiipppppppppp," while other times it is "Vrip Vrip Vrip Vrip Vrip Vrip Vrip Vrip Vrip Vrip Vrip Vrip." No matter what the problem is you can always count on Corduroy Boy to be there.

One time a team of us were engaged in a heated disagreement about how to design and implement a certain IT solution. One side argued for a specific course of action while the other vehemently denied the request and offered up their own solution. It became obvious no one was giving up any ground and the project was in serious jeopardy. Millions of dollars were at stake unless someone relinguished power.

At the very moment when we were about to let it all fall apart were heard that characteristic noise, "Vrrrrrrippp Vrrrrrrippp Vrrrrrrippp." At the door of the conference room stood our savior, Corduroy Boy!

He stood there with legs akimbo like you would see any superhero stand. Only, instead of his clinched fists against his hips, he ate an ice cream cup (chocolate and vanilla flavored). You know the kind, the ones with the wooden spoon attached? As he looked at us, and ate his ice cream, he queried, "How's it goin'?"



Like snow melting before the hot sun our disagreements vanished. We all hugged and came to an agreement that generated more revenue than anyone ever calculated could be done.

THANK YOU CORDUROY BOY!! THANK YOU!!

Dancin' and Singin' and Movin' to the Groovin'

I came home from work tonight feeling a little frisky. You know how it is when friskiness gets into you. You must lay down some funky white boy mixes.

Anyway, I turned onto my driveway and was stopped by a ferret brandishing a steak knife. I don't know what your experiences are like, but talking to a ferret is never ever easy. Especially when one is holding a knife and wearing a black headband. Kind of like the one Daniel-san wore in Karate Kid.

I tried to pull around the rodent but he just stepped into the path of the vehicle with a determined look in his eyes. Of course, I first checked to see if anyone was watching before I ran that bastard over. I live in a respectable neighborhood. When the day occurs that I am arrested I want my neighbors to be able to say to reporters, "He was such a nice man. I never would have known he would have done this."

As I rolled the car slowly forward (you have to go slowly, you want to have just the right amount of bone crunching and blood squishing) the damn thing shoved the knife into my tire and caused a flat.

I got out with a menacing sounding growl of, "Why you little..." Before I could say what little thing he was he shoved the knife into my shin. I hopped around in pain and swearing the cursing only a ferret would be offended by. He wasn't.

A neighbor did witness this event and captured it in a drawing. Interestingly enough that person is a court reporter and, as all court reporters are skilled to do, caught the scene beautifully. That is one freakin' gigantic ferret.



I left my car in the street so I could run into my house to take care of the bleeding wound. My gay hamsters sat chewing on some seeds with a gleeful look in their eye. I have seen that mysterious look before and questioned them on it.

Needless to say I was shocked. Without my knowledge and approval those damned hamsters sold the rights to control my driveway and garage to a guinea pig on the other side of the neighborhood. I got that guinea pig on the phone so I could share my disapproval and to tell him to call off his knife wielding ferrets. But all I got out of him was, "Cheek, squeak, teek teek teek cheeeeee." My guinea pig language skills are not very current, but I think he said, "Suck off sewer scumass."

I am not sure where this will lead, but I really really need access to my garage.