"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm."

I start this post by mentioning something a good friend once told me. I quote, “my feet are supple” and “I'm much better at bringing up the rear." I am not sure, but I think this person was coming on to me. But I can’t tell.

Although I still can’t get those quotes out of my mind I must move on to more important things.

With all of you, I extend my best wishes and as much help as I can to those affected by Hurricane Katrina. I hate hurricanes. I have been in a couple and I refuse to allow them to tick me off any further. Therefore I offer…

Things I Learned About Emergency Preparedness From That Witch Katrina

1. Build up a large supply of guns and ammo. There are two reasons for this: 1) To scare away looters, and 2) To get the attention of rescue helicopters.
   
2. Become close friends with a number of celebrities so they will put on a telethon. The risk with this is that although they are willing to lend their "talents" to your cause they probably won't give any of their own money, offer any of their million dollar homes for you to stay in, or get dirty in helping you cleanup.
3. Prepare a written statement where you blame all your problems on the President. Sure, he personally didn't plan any of your city's emergency procedures or put so many people of one race or economic status in one spot or force you to live in a bowl or actually began digging at the dikes a couple of days before the hurricane hit or fail to give more money 20 years earlier or wasn't in the hundreds of rescue teams that actually were there in the beginning. But he is a slow hick from Texas. So what the hell, huh?
4. Make sure you stock up on the absolute necessities of life. Items may include water, bread, Diet Pepsi, designer jeans, TV's, video games, watches, broken slot machines and ATM's etc.
5. Get out a map and plot a course to the nearest large indoor sports stadium. Preferably one with no running water, food, and toilets that back up.
6. If you own a casino, build it on dry land. If you don't own a casino, be prepared to help the owners transport their money to a safe location.
7. Have a large slab of styrofoam that you can float around on. Maybe a bag full of packing peanuts will work too.
8. Build a nice fort on your roof. You may be living there for a while. This could also work for the top of your car.
9. Two words: Alligator repellent.
10. Move to Iowa. They don't name a tornado, so that will lower the risk
    
11. Retain a lawyer and let the suing begin.