Hey, Mr. Reporter, I'll Believe All That You Put Down

When I get in moods such as the one I have been in recently I tend to turn to the news. Without fail this cheers me up, because there is so much good news around. So today I present my news and comment. I warn you, I am not your grandfathers Paul Harvey.

1. Snow Buries New York and New England.

How come every time a snowstorm hits the northeast the rest of the country has to know about it and even care? The last time I checked, they were in the...ummm....NORTHEAST! It may be an ugly assumption but usually it is cold and wet there. When you combine these things you either get the northeast or a hooker in Antarctica. But, apparently, the rest of the world needs to be surprised by the fact that they get snow in the northeast. WOOO HOOO! LOOK AT ME! I AM "MR. SURPRISED"! MAYBE I SHOULD SEND SOME EMERGENCY KITS AND THOSE LITTLE HAND WARMERS!! In case you were curious, I was just being sarcastic. So we have snow in New England...the next thing you will tell me is that a suicide bomber loves bus stops.

2. Vice President Cheney Mistakenly Shoots Hunter

I didn't think much of this because many times hunters shoot each other in a friendly game of combat after about 59 beers and a package of hashish. It is pretty tough to tell the difference between a human and a buck taking a dump in the woods. Especially when the other person is not wearing the obligatory orange coat and using the obligatory orange toilet paper. But when I found out he was quail hunting and he shot a good friend by spraying him with birdshot, there was only one reaction........HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

3. Woman Accused of Being Condom Bomber

Every man in the country is now crossing his legs and groaning in unison.

Apparently the little bombs (in my case it would be a huge bomb) contained a mixture of gasoline and drain cleaner. The lady who did it worked in a strip club and was tired of not being respected by men.......ummm.....yeah, ok.

Of course, the smell would not tip off the man during his native mating ritual. "Honey, do you think this condom that I picked up at a strip club, which appears to have been taped up, smells funny?"

4. Nigeria Fears the Bird Flu has Spread to Humans.

There is only one way, and one way only, that a human can ever get the bird flu: they have to french kiss a chicken. This has been validated over and over and over and over and over again. It is based in solid scientific fact. So there is a simple way to prevent bird flu. When you snuggle down with your chicken to watch 24 after a long day at work and you start to feel those emotions rise in you, get up and leave. It is far better for you to choke your chicken than to make out with it.

However, if you decide to continue, please use protection. As a matter of fact there are loads of agencies, backed by millions of dollars from world governments, who are willing to help you with all the preventative protection you will need should you find out those urges are just too hard to repress.

5. Delta Cancel Flights Due to Heavy Snow

In the light of #1....................duh?

But...I do believe there is probably one little sniveling businessman that needs to be in Boston for some big and important meeting. He is probably standing at the airline counter right this minute carrying on in an abusive tirade about how he will "NEVER EVER, EVER NEVER" fly that carrier again. As a matter of fact, he vows right then and there to only ride a pack mule from now on.