They Came to Collect, Silver and Gold

Apparently I need to make poverty history.

It is an urge I have had recently. It is a compulsion like eating, sleeping, and to make odd gurgly sounds whenever I see Kate Beckinsale. Some people say she has not been in any good movies. I really haven't notice. She's an actress?

How does one go about making poverty history? After extensive research, and two bags of theater style buttered microwave popcorn (which had some additional melted butter just to make sure the butter flavor was really really there) I have come to create the following list of things that must be done. If faithfully executed, poverty will be gone...forever...and ever...amen.

1. Create websites that talk about making poverty history. Market those websites by encouraging bloggers to place a little banner in the corner to make people aware how important it is to make poverty history. By only doing this, it is promised at least 500 homeless people will be able to raise themselves up from the vomit they have been sleeping in to only sleeping in their own urine. Proof, again, that every little bit helps.
2. Talk about poverty. The more you talk about it the more mouthwash, toothpaste, breath mints, those foul tasting melting listerine things, and tic tacs are needed to keep your breath fresh while you talk. The result is that more jobs are created for these industries. Thus making poverty history.
3. Come out against big corporations, little corporations, limited liability companies, and sole proprietorships, and the little bratty kid with the lemonade stand who adds too much sugar yet still charges a freakin' 50 cents a class. By doing this poverty will actually increase and not be history. But some sacrifices MUST be made. It may also help to sacrifice the lemonade kid to the volcano gods, but I will leave that up to you.
4. Have celebrities put on free concerts that will actually NOT raise money to make poverty history by giving money to poor people. I guess you could count the temporary workers needed to clean up the ozone depleting trash and human feces in the field after the show. Unfortunately poverty will only be temporary history but at least it will be able to pick up its paycheck at the end of its shift.
5. Send emails around the world telling people that poverty can be history if, and only if, they send the email to 10 other people. It might even be classy to add one of those church sign generator pictures. Oh how cute those things are. I laugh and laugh when I see them. Of course, poverty will be history in India because of the cheap programmers needed to keep the email systems running.
6. Build the largest Super Wal-Mart ever in Ethiopia. A senior citizen Ethiopian greeter would make approximately 46.91 Ethiopian Birr's an hour. Not bad, really. They would be able to pick up some kickin' auto floor mats. To cinch the history of poverty make sure it has a large McDonalds in the Wal-Mart. Oh, oh, oh...one more thing. Poverty living lawyers would make millions by suing the Ethiopian district of Wal-Mart because they are not fair to their workers. And, and, and...Then a union would be created for those Wal-Mart workers which will then force Wal-Mart to go out of business. Nah, nevermind; erase #6.
7. Take out a 180% interest payday loan. Poverty will be history until the next week when the loan comes due. Hopefully we can talk Bono into paying it back. If Bono doesn't have the cash we can always sell Canada.

Thanks for listening. Let's start NOW to make poverty history; right after some sliders at White Castle.