Make You Work-Work, Make You Work

Back in the day I was known as one who could pluck the ol' four-string with the best of them. If the 'best of them' included a drunken ostrich with PMS then you would understand. Those days seem so long ago it is like they were in another life. If it was, then it was a good life.

In that day there was no internet, thin cell phones, Tivo, and Hilary Duff. What we did have was our quintet of heavy metal maniacs. Dude, we rocked!

I guess every teenager has the dream of playing to a sold out arena. The lighters would be lifted and the bras thrown on stage. It became pretty disheartening to see someone like Neil Diamond having that happen to him. That guy was old...really old. Come to think of it, he is still really old. Ninety-eight percent of the time those dreams have no basis in reality. Our band was different in one respect. We sucked AND we knew it.

The proof of our music ineptitude is backed by solid data. For example, one of our crowning achievements was competing in the battle of bands at our high school. The judges were taking samples of everyone’s music then deciding who would be able to be in the battle. Fortunately, we were picked to be in the five that competed. A short time later we found out only four turned in demo tapes. The fifth one was added as a favor to the principal. Apparently, he had a little "thing" with a student. The school newspaper exposed it but the student editor died from a mysterious illness and all the papers burned. It did seem a little strange but that sort of stuff happened all the time at my school.

The winner of the battle of the bands was chosen by a vote of those in attendance. Essentially they would put their ticket stub in a trashcan then some Chinese foreign exchange math students would be asked to count them. The band with the most stubs in their trashcan would be the winner. It was pretty scientific if you think about it. I believe the Chinese students added loads of credibility. As a matter of fact, to get a little giggle at lunchtime we would ask the Chinese to say "credibility". Oh the fun we had when we heard them say "cledibirity". Even the lunch lady snickered.

The night came and let me tell you...we rocked. Unfortunately, it was a sucky rocked. The following was the list of songs we played:

1. Live Wire - AC/DC
2. High 'n' Dry - Def Leppard
3. Breaking the Law - Judas Priest
4. Looks that Kill - Motley Crue
5. Living After Midnight - Judas Priest
6. Sonata for Flute and basso continuo in C - Johann Sebastian Bach

That last piece was thrown in at the last minute to showoff our range of skills. It also had a kickass guitar solo.

After the chinese finished counting we found out we came in 3rd place. Not bad for a suckity suck bunch of sucks like us, huh? Eventually, by the time we graduated we all got into heavy drugs, chased diseased women, opened up for Dokken, and broke up because the guitarist married one of the chinese students who then tried to manage our band. It was an ugly situation...so was she.

I relate this because I firmly believe I should get back in the music business. Why? Because I know I can write better lyrics than what is out in the world now. For example:

What you gon’ do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
I’mma get-get-get-get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump my hump, my hump my hump my hump.
My hump my hump my hump. My lovely little lumps.
Check it out…

*sigh*

I should have stuck with it. I could have been famous...