Mouthful of Cavities

I have decided to take the day off.

Just so there is no confusion, it is not in support of mi hermanos y hermanas. They seem to do very well on their own. Although it will be a little strange ordering my customary bacon cheeseburger in english. "Cheesburger de tocino, ningunos encurtidos y cebollas, por favor." Yes, it is going to be strange indeed.

I took the day off in protest of dentists.

There are too many of them and most of them are here illegally. I see them every morning down on the street corners with their little bags full of drills, flouride treatment, free floss and toothbrushes, and those little sharp pointy objects that they stick in your teeth then wiggle around like they are trying to extract ore. It is an ugly epidemic let me tell you, boy oh howdy.

Why am I so adamantly opposed to illegal dentistry? Because one of them worked on me on Friday. Sure, it started out well and dandy on Tuesday of last week. "MDB (aka AB), it seems as though you have 6 cavities that need to be filled. I am free Friday. How about you?"

I shyly said, "Sure".

Friday came and I found myself in the chair of the dentist with my mouth open and him shoving his hands in there. The worst part was sticking needles in my mouth to numb those areas of interest. He would then jiggle my cheeks like some old grandma. I was waiting for him to say, "You are a cute little patient...yes you are...just cute!" He didn't. Somehow that depressed me.

The assistant asked me if I would like any medication to relax or at least some laughing gas. I said, "No, I am a man!" By which I mean I sit around in my underwear and watch football all day while passing artistic forms of gas. What it also means is I cry like a baby when no one is watching. After the numbing needles tore into my gums a small tear ran down my cheek. I quickly wiped it off so she wouldn't see it. No man cries in front of a woman. Unless you are Ben Affleck. What a baby.

The rest of the appointment went like this: lots of drooling and dribbling of liquid, many sucking sounds from the little sucky things that suck out your gums and tongue (sounds sexy, yo), drilling with enamel smoke wafting up into the air and into my eyes, then adding a paste-like substance which was very much like super glue with a slight minty fresh taste.

I was then sent home with a pat on my back and free floss and a toothbrush in a nice bright plastic bag. It is so great of those dental sales representatives to give that stuff out for free then allow the dentists to take credit for it. That is the world I really enjoy living in.