News & Comment - 3/21/2006

1) Bush Urges Optimism - President tells Americans to see Iraq's developing democracy beyond scenes of violence.

Every good and efficient democracy started out violent and remains violent. For example, the Gabonese Republic began with a heated game of Rocks, Paper, Scissors. Riots tore through the heartland when one representive of a native group pulled out the rarely seen but effective 'Dynamite' play. This is done by holding the hand out with the index finger in a pointing motion. The 'pointy' finger represents the fuse of a stick of dynamite. Of course, NOTHING beats dynamite. The other group protested the move complaining that a player can only use dynamite once every 4 years. They argued that their competitors used it two years early. When it appeared there would be no resolution mayhem ensued. At least 10 people suffered severe wet willeys in the civil war. Finally the groups agreed to a peace plan and democracy was born in Gabon.

Or, President Bush is just trying to distract us with juggling and hand puppets.

2) Race for space tourism blasts off

Ho ho ho, headline writers have the best jobs. I never would have seen that coming.

Apparently one can spend $24 million for a trip to many reaches of outer space just for...fun. That is also roughly the cost of a roundtrip ticket from Seattle to Pocatello, Idaho. But what, precisely, would one see after spending such money for a ride into space? A nice beach on an alien planet where your father will be downloading all of your secret desires and knowledge through a flexi-straw connected to your ear. We all know this is true, Jodi Foster proved it to us.

3) Woman With Perfect Memory Baffles Scientists - Patient Remembers Every Day and Almost Every Detail of Her Life

First off, why is it news that scientists would be baffled? Every scientist I know has been baffled. As a matter of fact, if they weren't baffled then there would be nothing for them to research anymore...like there are differences between men and women. I don't need a scientist to tell me I am different from a woman. A woman was born wrapped in a pink blanket and men wrapped in a blue blanket. Duh! For more thoughts on science see #5.

As for the woman who remembers every detail of her life...sorry, I forgot what I was going to say.

4) The Blame Game and Obesity in America

I blame food.

5) Dinosaur May Have Had Longest Neck Ever

Note to all the super smart scientists. That isn't the dinosaurs neck you are examining. I think the fossilized box of Enzyte would have given it away.