Things I Think About When I Don't Think

1) Would any real man in his right mind wear clothes that have the name “Dickies” attached to them?

2) Kate Moss, a thin supermodel, was caught using cocaine. Immediately advertisers cancelled contracts with her. What about all the other thin supermodels that actually haven’t admitted to using cocaine but obviously they do?

3) Why does George W. Bush hate the gulf coast? That man is be sending another hurricane there. What a mean man.

4) Do you ever hear someone say peanuts but think they said “penis”? For example, I heard the other day someone say, “I really like M&M’s with penis.” Maybe it is just me.

5) There should be a law created that a person that looks like this should never win an award.

6) Why do some people confuse the mute button with the hold button? I love conference calls when someone presses hold and annoying Michael Bolton music comes on that about 30 people are forced to listen to. Maybe phone manufacturers should add a ‘Dumbass’ button.

7) When gunk gets stuck in the crevices of my watch why do I feel the compulsive urge to get a pushpin and start scraping it out? Again, maybe it is just me.

8) I really do want more than 1 ketchup packet for my Wendy’s Great Biggie fries. Maybe there is a ketchup shortage. Ketchup farmers had a really bad year.

9) I don’t like people who say “Catsup”.

10) I also don’t like people who say, “I am going to kill you, you ugly bastard.”

11) My favorite number is 11. Why do people have favorite numbers? What has a number ever done for you? One time seven ate nine and I never forgave it.

12) I apologize for number 11.

13) I don’t think we use the word “allegedly” enough.

14) I don’t think we use the word “malfeasance” enough.

15) I wonder if anyone has ever been allegedly malfeased?

16) Here is a little bit of advice for TV shows and FM DJ’s who feel the need to use a laugh track on their shows. If you have to use a laugh track, your show sucks.

17) I think in order to make baseball more exciting whenever anyone hits a home run the pitcher will need to eat the ball.

18) Golf would be more exciting if they had more big-boobed women running across the greens.

19) I once wrote a poem. I had to quit writing poetry because I got strange desires to slowly beat my head with a rock, then stick my head in a gas oven, then speak slowly to people because they are just not as intelligent as I am, and eventually kill myself.

20) I truly believe there is an ulterior motive to naming Wednesday “Hump Day”. I have solicited certain individuals to help with this. To this point I have not had any luck. Maybe it is just me.