Gotta strut them city streets, Showin' off my eclat, yeah

Do you remember my gay hamsters? If you don't, or you are new, please go here.

Unfortunately, the rabbit lost the fight. Over time he just gave up. He threw up his little bunny paws, gave me the finger, and headed out the door. To be honest it was an ugly situation and it really didn't work out. I don't think the indictment from the federal government helped the situation. Did I ever tell you his name was 'Scooter'?

To put an end to this heterophobe harassment I am getting from the hamsters I have finally done something that I never thought I would do...we got a cat.

In most situations I don't consider myself a "cat man". A good cat is one twitching on the side of a busy freeway. No, sorry. I can't say that. That is just cruel. Needless to say cats and I don't get a long. It is in my nature and I cannot change it. But change it I did.

Actually, we did not go out into the world looking for a cat. The cat found us. It knocked on the front door with its little kitty paws and walked in. Do cats walk in? No, it was more like a saunter. It sauntered over to the kitchen table, sat down, and then ordered a saucer of our finest dairy product. After taking a sip and appearing satisfied he looked at us and said with the blankest of blank expressions, "I hear you have a...gay rodent problem."

The cat wanted half now and half when the job was completed.

The job was never completed.

The next morning I woke up with a disembodied cat head on the pillow next to me. In the garage the embodied (but with lack of head) part was spread out across the hood of my car. Blood and bowels slowly slipped down forming a gruesome pile on the cement floor.

hehehehehehehehehehe....scaredya, huh?

Nah...The kitty is fine. The hamsters, however, just scoff at the attempt to rid the house of them. They mock me constantly with the little signs they write. For example, "How about a little queer ham' for the straight freakin' idiot?". Then they laugh that evil little hamster laugh. It is a squeeky laugh, so it is hard to take seriously.

Is that, is that, is that how you measure a man?

After completing my secret mission to...North Carolina...I can finally reveal what I have been doing. A warning goes out to all of weak disposition. What I am about to describe is not pretty. If you applied makeup, made up the hair, dressed it in frilly lace, and added a cute pair of Brunomagli shoes, my post today will still not be pretty.

The last couple of weeks I have definitely been......working. This type of.......work.....has kept me from posting anything for quite awhile. But, I do assure you my..........job........has been very very important. Or, as they say in Mexico, muy muy importante. Unless you are my Mexican Aunt. She says........something else.

So, what have I been.......doing? Although I am not privileged to give too many details, I can say that it involves researching the origination and spread of the so called Avian Flu Virus. Or, as we say among my colleagues, the Coughing Chicken Choker.

My research has shown that this horrible influenza DID NOT start with birds in remote parts of Asia. On the contrary, it actually started in.........ummm.....North Carolina. Yes, my research has shown that Clay Aiken has been french kissing chickens. Oh, I know what you are you thinking, "Isn't Clay Aiken gay?". The easy answer is, it was a male chicken. Some people may call them roosters. I call them...roosters.

After long hours of painstakingly reviewing our notes, we determined the best way to stop this dreadful pandemic is to kill Clay Aiken.

So I am back and ready for action. Anyone willing to give me some?

In reality, work has kept me........working. The last few weeks had me traveling constantly and working long hours. I reflect back on this time and feel pretty much like a mountain climber who struggles through burning muscles, extreme temperatures, near falls, and calloused hands only to look around while standing at the top and think, "Why the hell did I do that?"

If you say, "Because it is there." I will give you a major "wet willey".

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Yes, I have a dutch accent. Isn't that weird?

I am traveling for the company again. I would tell you where I am but that would give away the secrecy I am sworn to uphold due to my service as a spy to Canada. No...I am not actually in Canada this time. They kicked me out long ago after a little border "skirmish". So now I am relegated to spying on North Carolina. My apologies, I wasn't supposed to say that.

There are many benefits to business travel. One of which is the free newspaper that awaits you outside your door every morning...except on Saturdays and Sundays. Those days are not considered "newspaper-worthy". There are also many Jews, Seventh-Day Adventists, Mormons, and an occasional Peruvian Monk opposed to the distribution of news on those days. The last thing you want to do is tick off a Peruvian Monk. They do those ninja kicks that will leave you without oxygen for 20 minutes. Really...this has been documented. I think I saw it on TLC once.

This morning the newspaper arrived in it's typical way. Tiny magical fairies, surrounded by a soft sprinkling light, carried it to me on a red velvet pillow. The newspaper was already opened to the sports section. Can I just say I love being at the gold level of this chains membership program? They call me "Goldmember"...and I think you know why. *wink wink*

On days like this I enjoy mingling with the other "road warriors" down at the free breakfast; yet another traveler reward. Because I am a "Goldmember" (*wink wink*) this is another time for the hotel to spoil me. For regular travelers the menu will consist of a pastry, juice, and some fruit. For us "Goldmembers" (*wink wink*) we get a pastry, juice, some fruit, and a $300 an hour escort. Since having escorts so early in the morning has proven to be unhealthy, I declined this offer today and had two pastries.

One more amenity I must speak of are the free toiletries in the bathroom. Of course there is the usual shampoo, conditioner, and soap. But for "Goldmembers" (*wink wink*) we actually get a toilet. This is the best benefit yet because I strap that thing on and I can go anywhere. Literally, "go" anywhere.

They know how to treat their Goldmembers. Of which I am proud to be one. *wink wink*