Jose Can You See?

Today is Cinco de Mayo! To all my Mexican and Chicano amigos y amigas, I wish you a happy party! Save some of the candy in the pinata for me. I could use some gobstoppers!

In commemoration of this day I present to you the AB version of the history of Cinco de Mayo. Believe me, this is based on factual historical accuracy. Really....believe me...really...all true...really....what?

The history of Cinco de Mayo begins in France. Yes, I know. Doesn't make sense but please bear with me on this. You see, in 1861 the french were sitting around in cafes, smoking skinny cigarettes, and talking smack about the Americans when a note came from Mexican President Benito Juarez. The same Benito Juarez related to the Lincoln, Nebraska Jaurez's.

In the note it stated that Mexico was strapped for cash and needed some time to pay back their debts. Everyone knows you should never mess with a frenchman's franc's. The french screamed "Sock ray blue!" Which literally means, "Pass the alcoholic syrup!" The French really didn't care about money; they only cared about art and wearing silly little hats. So the Mexican president sent another note saying they have changed their french fries to mexi-fries. That did it. The french yelled, "Sock ray red!" This means, "Pass the wine and let's move to Mexico!"

Mexico also refused to pay back the Spanish and English. Those countries were more willing to start an invasion of Mexico because they really love the border tacos in Brownsville, Texas. However, what really ticked off the English and Spanish was the fact they charged them a donkey and 2 goats for the tacos. Usually you could get a good border taco for only one goat.

The war began. Eventually the English and Spanish withdrew because they had "better things to do." The French would not be so easily deterred. Over time they learned that it was easier to surrender earlier in a war. However, in this case, they really wanted to start an empire in Mexico so they could annoy Americans from a shorter distance. Napolean the III, which happens to be related to the Oak Brook, Illinois Napoleans, believed the United States would become too powerful. So to stop them he saw Mexico as great place to launch his terrorism campaigns to bring the Americans to their knees. One tactic he used was to leave bags of burning poop near Tucson.

In 1862, General Ignacio Zaragoza (related to the Bronx Zaragoza's), put together an army of 5,000 and defeated the French army in the "Batalla de Puebla". The reason such an ill-equipped group of soldiers defeated the mighty french army is a story that has been hidden. The French were sitting around a campfire eating ham and cheese sandwiches and talking about art and how stupid the English language is. One asked, "Hey Claude, can you pass me the mayonnaise?" Claude had just finished off the bottle which pissed off the other.

General Zaragoza saw this as an opportunity. In an disguised effort to be friendly he offered the french some Mexican mayonnaise which gave the French some seriously violent diarrhea. The French were easily defeated and that day become known as ¿Dónde está la mayo? It eventually took on the more sexier and marketable name "Cinco de Mayo."

This victory is celebrated today throughout the Mexican and Chicano communities as well as with some others who just want an excuse to drink beer and tequila. The United States government joins in the commemoration by going to Taco Bell and giving away free healthcare.

Viva Cinco de Mayo!