Time is Standing Still, It's a Dangerous Meeting

On Friday afternoon (not last Friday but the Friday before last Friday...you know, THAT Friday) I was busily doing my work. I work busily because that is in my job description; "Must work busily." Some time after 1:00 PM my boss calls me and says, "I need you to travel on Monday." I respond with, "Ok, you are my boss and I do what you say and love what I do as you say I should do."

He paused for a moment then I heard him say under his breath, "What an idiot." He then added, "I need you to go to hmmriffitwa."

I said, "Where is Hmmriffitwa?"

Seemingly exasperated he said, "It is in the state of Loooqamtus...what an idiot".

So I headed to Hmmriffitwa, Loooqamtus. Amazingly, I could get a non-stop flight.

I spent a whole week in all day meetings discussing things our company wants to do in an impossible timeframe and budget. But we do it, because we care.

Towards the end of those meetings the person leading the discussions started to sound more like the adults in Peanuts cartoons. "Mwaw waw waw waw, waw waw waw." I began to despise my PC like a shrimp that has a little bit of poop in it. You know you have cheap and bad shrimp when it still has poop in it.

Speaking of shrimp, each night after sitting in all day meetings, we would go to Hmmriffitwa Beach and eat seafood. I steered clear of the shrimp. We did have rousing conversations that people tend to have when they really don't want to be there with each other. You know the kind, when you work with people but you really don't want to hang out with them?

When I finally got back to the hotel room I had absolutely no desire to open up that laptop and post anything. I was tired.

I am barely getting over this and still have some trauma to work through. But, I am ok. If someone actually sent me any emails wondering where I was and if I was ok I would say "You can stop sending those now, because I am ok."

I Wish I Could Quit You!

Unfortunately AB doesn't have a lot of time today to post something witty and wonderful. He is very busy with things at work and cannot be disturbed (what a moron). So today AB would like to submit to you a question 'o' the day...

Men's doubles luge: real Olympic event or something sinister and evil that needs to be squashed with a heavy facist boot?

Discuss...








FYI: The hill the luge event takes place is called Brokeback Mountain. Go figure.

FYI2: AB is very secure in his manhood.

Hey, Mr. Reporter, I'll Believe All That You Put Down

When I get in moods such as the one I have been in recently I tend to turn to the news. Without fail this cheers me up, because there is so much good news around. So today I present my news and comment. I warn you, I am not your grandfathers Paul Harvey.

1. Snow Buries New York and New England.

How come every time a snowstorm hits the northeast the rest of the country has to know about it and even care? The last time I checked, they were in the...ummm....NORTHEAST! It may be an ugly assumption but usually it is cold and wet there. When you combine these things you either get the northeast or a hooker in Antarctica. But, apparently, the rest of the world needs to be surprised by the fact that they get snow in the northeast. WOOO HOOO! LOOK AT ME! I AM "MR. SURPRISED"! MAYBE I SHOULD SEND SOME EMERGENCY KITS AND THOSE LITTLE HAND WARMERS!! In case you were curious, I was just being sarcastic. So we have snow in New England...the next thing you will tell me is that a suicide bomber loves bus stops.

2. Vice President Cheney Mistakenly Shoots Hunter

I didn't think much of this because many times hunters shoot each other in a friendly game of combat after about 59 beers and a package of hashish. It is pretty tough to tell the difference between a human and a buck taking a dump in the woods. Especially when the other person is not wearing the obligatory orange coat and using the obligatory orange toilet paper. But when I found out he was quail hunting and he shot a good friend by spraying him with birdshot, there was only one reaction........HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

3. Woman Accused of Being Condom Bomber

Every man in the country is now crossing his legs and groaning in unison.

Apparently the little bombs (in my case it would be a huge bomb) contained a mixture of gasoline and drain cleaner. The lady who did it worked in a strip club and was tired of not being respected by men.......ummm.....yeah, ok.

Of course, the smell would not tip off the man during his native mating ritual. "Honey, do you think this condom that I picked up at a strip club, which appears to have been taped up, smells funny?"

4. Nigeria Fears the Bird Flu has Spread to Humans.

There is only one way, and one way only, that a human can ever get the bird flu: they have to french kiss a chicken. This has been validated over and over and over and over and over again. It is based in solid scientific fact. So there is a simple way to prevent bird flu. When you snuggle down with your chicken to watch 24 after a long day at work and you start to feel those emotions rise in you, get up and leave. It is far better for you to choke your chicken than to make out with it.

However, if you decide to continue, please use protection. As a matter of fact there are loads of agencies, backed by millions of dollars from world governments, who are willing to help you with all the preventative protection you will need should you find out those urges are just too hard to repress.

5. Delta Cancel Flights Due to Heavy Snow

In the light of #1....................duh?

But...I do believe there is probably one little sniveling businessman that needs to be in Boston for some big and important meeting. He is probably standing at the airline counter right this minute carrying on in an abusive tirade about how he will "NEVER EVER, EVER NEVER" fly that carrier again. As a matter of fact, he vows right then and there to only ride a pack mule from now on.

Den Sag Er Aldrig I Verden

I really don't have anything today. It has been a surreal week.

You know, we don't use the word 'surreal' enough. Especially pseudo-intellectuals who sit around in coffee shops all day, every day, showing how intelligent they are by refusing to work then digging through a dumpster for a rat dinner. That is what I call surreal. I also call Honey Combs cereal. Sometimes I get those two words confused. For example, I woke up this morning and had a large bowl of surreal.

Sorry...I ramble.

This whole outrage over Muslim cartoons still has me in a cereal mood. All day long they spout off about how insensitive the Danish are. They will yell things like "The only gude Danish is a DED Danish!" I have also found that Muslims are not good spellers. To me, the only good danish is a cheese danish.

How many Danish have actually died in this uprising? Some flags and embassies have been torched, but all this "Death to the Danish" stuff is all a crafty ruse (we don't use the word 'ruse' enough either). Most Muslims probably really don't care. For all we know these "protests" are nothing more than the filming of a new Islamic Radical exercise video featuring Richard Simmons (who goes by his Muslim name, Ahhmudd). All of that jumping up and down and punching their fists in the air is a great workout. Have you ever seen an obese Muslim? When the filming is all done they go back to their homes and watch Palestinian Idol.

Case in point, that whole death sentence on Salman Rushdie? The last I checked his ugly mug is still around and dating hot women. Who got the 70 virgins in that deal, huh?

It is not like Denmark would be hard to overthrow. All of their buildings are made out of Lego's. A large (but not obese) Muslim could walk through the country like Godzilla knocking over all their buildings and squashing their Lego cars. Afterwards he can sit at a cafe, eat a cheese danish, and use the words 'surreal' and 'ruse' a lot.

Been Dazed and Confused for So Long it's Not True

I was going to give you an intriguing postumentary on the history of dental floss today, but something else came up that I must get off my chest.

It has probably happened to all of you. You create an email, you check it for grammar and spelling, and finally decide it has passed your stringent quality assurance standards. After you click 'send' you return to your normal daily routine of comparing ingredients on shampoo bottles. What is sodium laureth sulfate anyway?

At some point in the future you get a reply to your email which also includes your original email. A quick glance at your first email reveals a monstrosity of an error. An error that you can't believe ever happened. For example, in one email I sent today I was responding with a statement that a specific piece of information should have previously been sent but was not. When I first sent the email the line read "I should have sent that to you in the beginning." Upon examination in a subsequent email that line showed as "I should I sent that in the beginning."

What the hell happened here? Are there email gremlins that switch words around in order for me to look like an idiot to others? Is Bill Gates behind it? Is this some sort of terrorist espionage that will bring down the United States by making us look like complete morons? Whatever the cause, I decided to do some research into my past emails to see if there is a pattern. I am amazed at what I found. Below are lines from emails with what was in the original and changed versions.

To My Boss:

Original - "Attached you will find my project report."
Changed - "Attached you will find a shard of glass from a beer bottle that you can shove up your ass."

To a friend:

Original - "How about getting together with our families on Sunday to watch the Super Bowl?"
Changed - "How about getting together and swapping wives? But I don't want yours, she is a skank and smells funny. So bring a hooker instead."

To a co-worker:

Original - "I am nervous about the lay-offs that are happening."
Changed - "I am nervous about the lay-offs so I told your boss you are bored and don't have anything to do."

To my Senator:

Original - "Please support legislation to stop global warming."
Changed - "Please support legislation that will legalize my sexual desires involving ferrets."

To another blogger:

Original - "Happy HNT!!"
Changed - "Happy HNT...you loser!"

A fan letter I sent:

Original - "Brett (Favre), good luck on kicking ass next year."
Changed - "Dear Mary Kate. I don't care for Ashley all that much. I (heart) you more."

To a Radical Muslim:

Original - "I sympathize with you on the offensive nature of those cartoons."
Changed - "Moohoomudd funny! He funny funny prophet man."

To a magazine publisher:

Original - "Please renew my subscription to Brokeback Monthly."
Changed - "Please renew my subscription to Brokeback Monthly."

Interesting findings, huh? Does anyone else have this same problem?

We Are The Champions - My Friend

Blog Note: I had a pic of mine make it to the great Aqua Teen Central fan art section (see the King Kong pic - lower left). I personally consider this the big time. Disregard the other fan "art". They are wannabes.

Now on to our regularly scheduled programming...

Yesterday I did something that so many in the world probably had no idea was even happening; I watched the Super Bowl. Not only THE Super Bowl, but Super Bowl XL. I liked how they only invited fans who wore XL size clothing. It was really nice to remember all the big people. Next year it will be Super Bowl XLI...which means...ummm...Extra Large Imbeciles? Xylophone Lovers Increase?

The only disappointing thing about the game was the halftime show. I had my hand on the DVR reverse button the whole time waiting for Keith Richards to show a little areole. Nothing...not even cleavage. There was a little reaction when Mick Jagger removed his shirt to reveal his "old man" arms as they flopped helplessly in the dome breeze. That man is 62 years old and still getting satisfaction. There has to be a scientific law somewhere that states a man at age 62 should not be physically appealing to 20 year old women. If there isn't I would create one and call it the Law of Viagradynamics.

Another thing on the Rolling Stones: It might be me but I think that those guys may have experimented with drugs once or twice in their life.

There were only two commercials that stood out to me this year. The first was the poor caveman that had his package undelivered by a pterodactyl because it was eating by a tyrannosaurus rex. Then as he told his caveman boss his boss fired him for not using FedEx. When arguing that FedEx did not exist yet the boss explained, "That is not my problem." The guy left only to be stepped on by some large dinosaur. The other commercial was by careerbuilder.com with the guy who works with a bunch of monkeys. He is joined on a call by another one who works with jackasses.

These two commercials hit close to home for me. I have finally decided on a life changing decision; I am going to floss more.

Before finishing this post I brushed my teeth and had a really good flossing. It was one of those that make you look in the mirror and run your tongue across your teeth with a low moan of "mmmmmmmmmmmm." Normally I look in the mirror at the bloody stumps of gums in my mouth and swear never to use fishing line again. Not tonight, I admired my handiwork with great accomplishment. My dentist will be proud.

Oh. The Steelers beat the Seahawks 21-10.

Play Shades of Grey in My Black & White Strip Cartoon

Today this post will be certified as 100% scat free! Except for that last line...so this post is more like 99% scat free.

There has been a lot of fuss lately about certain groups of people who got upset about some cartoons that were published. I will have to support this group to a certain extent. Cartoons are offensive in most shapes and forms. For example, that Cathy really must tick off feminists. With her constant wistful nature of longing for a man to love her, desire to lose weight but tormented by chocolate, and being beaten by a pimp for stashing cash as a hooker down on 9 Chickweed Lane. Her friends Luann and Nancy run off when the beating starts. Where is Patricia Ireland when Cathy needs her? Hell, where is Kathy Ireland? If she stops by make sure she is wearing a swimming suit. Kathy not Patricia.

The Wizard of Id, B.C., Beetle Bailey, and Herman have all run their term and need to be retired. These comics are an offense to all young people and to all old people with Alzheimer’s who can't understand the jokes yet giggle incessantly. It is time to legalize comic euthanasia and put us all out of our misery.

Don't get me started on Ziggy. That is a total offense to all short, fat, and bald people who have delightful thoughts all day. I would think that Charlie Brown would start a jihad against that bastard because they look so much alike. Charlie would grab his friends Linus, Schroeder, and Pig Pen then put black hoods around their faces and bomb packs around their waists then head to Ziggy's bus stop, cafe, open air market, or wedding at a seaside resort.

Which brings me to another point. Isn't it about time that Peppermint Patty and Marcie finally declare, in public, their lesbian love affair? This is offensive to all lesbians that have come out of the closet and probably to most closets...especially walk-in closets.

I hate to say it, but the Holy Grail and holy hand grenade of comics, Dilbert, is also very offensive. Although it is based 99.9% in fact almost all CEO's of major corporations are offended by the whole 'pointy haired boss' stereotype. Recently they had a million CEO march on Washington D.C. to voice their displeasure. Unfortunately only one CEO showed up while the others were on vacation, playing golf, giving themselves bonuses, kissing stockholder butt, laying off people they never met, and involved in all sorts of sexual perversion with ground hogs. Which is pretty difficult to do all at once if you think about it.

In my humble opinion (IMHO for my peeps) the only non-offensive comic character is Opus.




One more thing. Don't forget that today is Global Don't Piss Off an Islamic Radical Day. Wish your closest Islamic Radical a wonderful day by sending flowers and a nice card with caricatures of all their holy prophets. They'll love it...really.

I'm A Ding Dong Daddy From Dumas

I have come to the realization that people are growing weary of all the "poop talk" coming out of my posts lately. So today I will not talk about feculence. Of course I wonder if people who study feces for a living ever get tired of it? In the scientific community this is called "scatology" or "coprology". It also may refer to the psychological obsession with excretion or excrement especially when it comes to sexual excitement. Who said science was boring?

We must make sure we don't confuse scatalogy with scat music. Which, of course, is the vocalization of syllables or nonsensical words. Essentially you use your voice as an instrument. Louis Armstrong was best known for this. I would think if Louis was also a scatologist he would be a scatologist scat cat. Yes...I thought that was really bad too.

In 1891 John G. Bourke wrote the book Scatalogic Rites of All Nations. This was a wonderful little "... dissertation upon the employment of excrementitious remedial agents in religion, therapeutics, divination, witchcraft, love-philters, etc. in all parts of the globe. The subject of Scatalogic or Stercoraceous Rites and Practices, however repellent it may be under some of its aspects, is none the less deserving of the profoundest consideration, if for no other reason that that from the former universal dissemination of such aberrations of the intellect, as well as of the religious impulses of the human race, and their present curtailment or restriction, the progress of humanity upward and onward may best be measured."

That is sexy, aint it? I read it twice.

The other day, on the History Channel, there was a quaint little documentary about cannibals. I know what you are thinking, "Care for some sirloin?" But I did find it interesting there was truly a scatological scientist on it showing how by studying the fecal matter of some ancient indians there were human cells in it that would only end up there if they were cannibals. Mathmaticians scoffed at such nonsense, so the scatologist ate them.

It really makes me wonder why more children don't say they want to become a scatologist when they grow up. It is probably the fear that their fathers would beat them senseless until they promise to grow up to become call center team leaders in India.

So, todays post will definitely NOT be about poop....

....damn.