Here Comes The Sun, and I Say It's All Right

A friend of mine recently had a major operation. And yes, I actually have a friend. In reality I have two friends. One of them is the person I am about to talk about, the other is a little penquin named Jerry. He shows up at my bedside at exactly 4:47 each morning, except on Sundays when he is at church, and tells me about what will happen in the future. Apparently, he is a penquin from the year 2350. He got a time machine for Christmas (which they call "That one Holiday") and has been showing up in my room ever since. Occasionally he will give me some killer stock tips.

Anyway, my other friend recently had a hysterectomy. At first I thought it was supposed to be funny. You know, "hysterical". But I guess it is no laughing matter. This operation is serious business. See? I have a serious face now...

*serious face*

I have been wondering what I can do to show solidarity for her. I feel bad. Really bad. Really really.

Then the idea hit. You know how when someone has cancer and their friends and relatives show support for them by shaving their heads? This is usually because the patient is going through chemotherapy and, unfortunately, losing their own hair. What a nice gesture. I decided to do the same thing for my friend. Here is how it went...

Doctor: Hello AB. What are you in for today?
Me: Doctor, I would like to have a hysterectomy.
Doctor: *Look of disbelief and uncontrollable giggling* Pardon me?
Me: I would like to have a hysterectomy. To show support for a friend that had one.
Doctor: But...ummm...AB...uhhh....
Me: What's wrong doc?
Doctor: Well...first off...you don't have a uterus.
Me: What are you saying, doc?
Doctor: I can't take out something you don't have.
Me: Doctor, don't mess with me and don't discriminate against me. I want a hysterectomy and I want it now.
Doctor: But AB...
Me: Don't make me call the medical board doc. You won't like me if I have to call the medical board. They will kick you out of the bar as fast as I can say "fallopian".
Doctor: You don't understand...I...
Me: What I understand doc is you are discriminating against me. That is illegal and probably against the law. Do it now, you medical bigot!!

I don't know what my doctor did, but I haven't been able to sit all day.

On the way out I asked the receptionist to schedule my mammogram and pap smear.