It's Gonna Be The End You See, It's Gonna Be The Death of Me

It is late on a Friday night and here I am posting a post on my blog. It is also over a long holiday weekend so I doubt this post will get much play anyway. If that does not define "loser" I really don't know what does. Unless you are doing the same thing, which just means there are two of us. So...hey how ya doin'?

There has been some thinking going on in my brain this week. My two brain cells met up for brunch, talked about the weather, then vigorously rubbed against each other to create enough heat in order for a couple of neurons to hop across my synapse. It is an interesting organism, that brain. Just when you think you have things figured out it chugs back to life like a smoking Model T so it can reveal just how ignorant I really am.

After some violent popping of cylinders the brain quiets down and the two brain cells go back into hibernation. Only then is the ultimate culprit in this strenuous game of tic tac toe revealed: feelings.

Last weekend the wife of a very good friend passed away due to a valiant fight with cancer. They always use the term 'valiant' don't they? I don't believe I have ever read an obituary wherein it stated, "So-and-so whimpered out and ran away from cancer until it caught up to him and gave him severe noogies. He finally cried for mercy like a little boy lost in the feminine hygiene aisle of Costco." No, I have never seen that. It is always 'valiant'. It was valiant in the case of this very good friend.

If I was ever face to face with the angel of death I have pictured myself screaming obscenities to him about his bony mother. The spittle that was once resting comfortably in my mouth would drip down his skully face. After belittling him with my taunts I would then take his scythe and proceed to give him one helluva vasectomy. Finally I would turn him around and push him over the edge of a very tall cliff onto the jagged rocks below.

Of course, the angel of death could not die. I don't even think he gets pissed. His whole purpose is to snuff out the lives of people. I guess that is a lot control and not worthy to get stressed when some moron like me spits in his face. He probably will just give me a sly smile and a warm giggle then put his arm around me and say, "Come on AB, it is going to be ok...really."

With that thought in mind, including the events of this last week, everything will be ok...really.

She likes me for me, Not because I hang with Leonardo

The Catholics are running amok!

Or is it amuck? I really don't know the grammar rules on this. The english language confuses me. Which, by the way, is the top reason I started this blog.

The Catholics are running amuck!

In movie theaters across the country unbridled Catholics are tipping over just purchased tubs of buttery popcorn and knocking the drinks out of the hands of the movie going public. There have also been alleged reports of old nuns jumping up in front of theater screens and doing a seriously wrinkled version of the full monty. The purpose of this exhibition is to obviously distract the audience from watching the movie.

What is all the fuss going on in the Catholic community? The Da Vinci Code comes to a theater near you today. Yes, it is the delightful film about a man and his paint brush that travel through the romantic areas of Italy and England. Although there are some that would argue there are NO romantic parts of England.

What is their quest? To seek the holy grail.

What is the holy grail? That question will be answered differently depending on who you ask. For example, some people believe the grail is the cup used by Jesus at the last supper. Others will contend it is Mary Magdelene who was the wife of Jesus. Then there are some who believe it is where you find relief in a bathroom after a day of judging a chili competition.

According to Dan Brown his holy grail is writing a lighthearted book that makes millions of dollars. Who would have guessed that his little tome would have ticked off one of the worlds major religions? But ticked them off he did. As a matter of fact they are not just ticked off they are ticketly tick tocked off. Rumor even has it that the pope has issued "one hell of a jihadic fatwa on Dan's ass." But I must admit my italian is a bit off tonight. He either said that or, "Hey Barry, get me a calzone."

All of this kind of interests me not at all. I read the book and had absolutely no desire to go out and kill catholics. Although I did give one the evil eye once. But I do that to lutherans all the time so I don't think much of it. What I do find intriquing is that the Jews felt the same way about The Passion of the Christ. Many catholics then, however, told them to stuff it in a tube sock.

So the catholics are mad and Dan Brown is bathing in his holy grail. After all is said and done it must make one wonder what Leonardo Da Vinci must think of this controversy. Again, my italian is a little weak, but I am sure he would say, "Barry, per favore darme un calzone." Which means in english "Barry, for favor darme a pants." But I think you get my point.

Who's in the house? Truckerrrrrr!

I have been told by a very reliable resource that it is NOT cinco de Mayo anymore. I find this strange since the dos taquitos I had that day are still hanging around. I still haven't put away the plethora of pinatas hanging around my home from the drunken wild orgy parties I had. When I say "drunken wild orgy parties" I, of course, mean sitting around in my underwear watching a Chico and the Man marathon while eating nachos and burrrrrrrrrritos.

All of this just proves my inability to blog regularly. I get so distracted by other things that I...umm...hmmm...

Sorry, there was an ant crawling across my desk.

I mentioned once before that I am a true blue manic-depressive blogger. MDB was my new name at the time. Recently I realized I also have attention hyperact.... Hence from this point on I am now MD-ADHDB.

Oh look, a UPS truck!

As I was saying, the following are things I would like to boycott.

1) Paris Hilton
2)

It is such a pretty day. I wonder if I should go campi...man am I thirsty.

The hottest woman in the world, according to Maxim magazine, is Eva Longoria. Although this is not a bad choice there are some who disagree. According to them the hottest woman in the world is actually Kid Rock. Don't ask me why.

Oh...and it is raining in New England.

Jose Can You See?

Today is Cinco de Mayo! To all my Mexican and Chicano amigos y amigas, I wish you a happy party! Save some of the candy in the pinata for me. I could use some gobstoppers!

In commemoration of this day I present to you the AB version of the history of Cinco de Mayo. Believe me, this is based on factual historical accuracy. Really....believe me...really...all true...really....what?

The history of Cinco de Mayo begins in France. Yes, I know. Doesn't make sense but please bear with me on this. You see, in 1861 the french were sitting around in cafes, smoking skinny cigarettes, and talking smack about the Americans when a note came from Mexican President Benito Juarez. The same Benito Juarez related to the Lincoln, Nebraska Jaurez's.

In the note it stated that Mexico was strapped for cash and needed some time to pay back their debts. Everyone knows you should never mess with a frenchman's franc's. The french screamed "Sock ray blue!" Which literally means, "Pass the alcoholic syrup!" The French really didn't care about money; they only cared about art and wearing silly little hats. So the Mexican president sent another note saying they have changed their french fries to mexi-fries. That did it. The french yelled, "Sock ray red!" This means, "Pass the wine and let's move to Mexico!"

Mexico also refused to pay back the Spanish and English. Those countries were more willing to start an invasion of Mexico because they really love the border tacos in Brownsville, Texas. However, what really ticked off the English and Spanish was the fact they charged them a donkey and 2 goats for the tacos. Usually you could get a good border taco for only one goat.

The war began. Eventually the English and Spanish withdrew because they had "better things to do." The French would not be so easily deterred. Over time they learned that it was easier to surrender earlier in a war. However, in this case, they really wanted to start an empire in Mexico so they could annoy Americans from a shorter distance. Napolean the III, which happens to be related to the Oak Brook, Illinois Napoleans, believed the United States would become too powerful. So to stop them he saw Mexico as great place to launch his terrorism campaigns to bring the Americans to their knees. One tactic he used was to leave bags of burning poop near Tucson.

In 1862, General Ignacio Zaragoza (related to the Bronx Zaragoza's), put together an army of 5,000 and defeated the French army in the "Batalla de Puebla". The reason such an ill-equipped group of soldiers defeated the mighty french army is a story that has been hidden. The French were sitting around a campfire eating ham and cheese sandwiches and talking about art and how stupid the English language is. One asked, "Hey Claude, can you pass me the mayonnaise?" Claude had just finished off the bottle which pissed off the other.

General Zaragoza saw this as an opportunity. In an disguised effort to be friendly he offered the french some Mexican mayonnaise which gave the French some seriously violent diarrhea. The French were easily defeated and that day become known as ¿Dónde está la mayo? It eventually took on the more sexier and marketable name "Cinco de Mayo."

This victory is celebrated today throughout the Mexican and Chicano communities as well as with some others who just want an excuse to drink beer and tequila. The United States government joins in the commemoration by going to Taco Bell and giving away free healthcare.

Viva Cinco de Mayo!

A Pair of Dutch Chimps Who Send Their Love From Amsterdam.

I love monkeys.

Monkeys make me laugh. Many times I see a monkey and say, "Oh you are a funny little monkey!" Then the monkey will look at me and give me a big teethy grin followed by an, "oooo oooo ahh ahh." I have never seen a monkey actually scratch their head and under their arms. That is probably an evil rotten stereotype.

To clarify, when I say "monkey" I am also including gorillas, chimpanzees, and oragutans. I would like to add sea monkey's but they are not really monkeys. I have never seen a sea monkey perform death defying tricks high above the ground on a trapeze. It would never work.

Before you think ahead of me, I am not going to tell the story of a monkey that came to my house and asked to borrow some sugar. He knocked on the front door with his feet. As I answered he tipped his bowler hat to me and asked, "ello, care to lend me a spot of of sugar?" No, I won't tell you that story.

Today's post is only an expression of my admiration for monkeys. Monkeys have performed great and inspiring tasks. They dance so lovely as the organist plays his minstrel music. I have had breakfast with monkeys. I have also played catch with monkeys using banana peels as the thrown object. Who can ever forget the curious as well as the in-love-with-a-hot-blonde monkeys? Monkeys have played an important part in my life and will always have a warm place in my heart.

Yes, I love the monkey. Long live the monkey.

'Cause I'm Under the Influence of You

I did it again. I did NOT make Time magazines list of the top 100 people who shaped our world. Word has it that I came in a close 367,022, 917th. But I have asked for a recount. There were some votes coming in from Nambia that were not included. And you know my motto, "Every vote should be, umm, counted!"

Eventually I did put my pride high on a shelf, right next to my self-respect, and accepted the inevitable role I play in life. However, looking at the ones that did make the list it does leave one to scratch their head and think, "What the hell?"

The one apparent rule is that the list contains, "the 100 men and women whose power, talent, or moral example is transforming our world." It won't surprise you that I have some comments about some of the people that made this list.

Artists & Entertainers

J. J. Abrams - He is responsible for such shows as Alias and Lost and now Mission Impossible 3. Tom Cruise wrote an eloquent review stating the top reason J.J. should be on the list. Mr. Cruise mentioned, "Look at the Jays we have now—Jay Leno, J. Lo, Jay-Z—but he's got two Js." Ummm...ok.

Ang Lee - Personally responsible for changing the thought pattern of a cowboy who bends down to pick up his saddle, if you know what I mean. *nudge nudge*

Tyra Banks - Didn't she get caught schlurping cocaine? Or was that some other anorexic drugged out supermodel?

Reese Witherspoon - Ok, she was a "dawling" in Walk the Line. That performance would make me vote for her to be on the list. Unfortunately, Legally Blonde 2 would immediately drop her off.

Stephen Colbert - Huh?

Rain - "Rain is big—big!—in Japan." So are tsunamis, typhoons, and earthquakes. But we haven't turned them into "Rain is the face—and well-muscled torso—of pop globalism." I will kill myself now.

Will Smith - Is it me or is Will Smith just not the same since he and Jazzy Jeff broke up?

George Clooney - I tried not to comment about George. I really did. It was in me not to say a thing about him. But here it is....blech.

Scientists & Thinkers

Never heard of any of them. Wait......no not one.

Leaders & Revolutionaries

George W. Bush - I am not sure what this means. But since Time is a left-wing liberal wacko of a magazine it probably means it is a joke. Or they hate black people. And our freedom.

Wen Jiabao - I don't have anything to say about the Chinese Premier, I just like to say his name. Wen Jiabao, Wen Jiabao, Wen Jiabao, Wen Jiabao. But I do bet he "speeks engrish learry good."

Jigme Sinqye Wangchuck - On second thought, I think I like saying the King of Bhutan's name. Jigme Sinqye Wangchuck, Jigme Sinqye Wangchuck, Jigme Sinqye Wangchuck. Hey! Everybody Wangchuck tonight!

Oprah Winfrey - *sigh*

Heroes and Pioneers

In my younger years I use to think of a hero as one who sacrifices his own time, money and even life for others. These people included those who give up their lives for the cause of freedom. A hero is someone who would enter a burning building to save those inside despite personal risk. I even think of those who will do what is right in the face of great adversity and personal sacrifice. Those are my heroes.

Times heroes include: Bono, Michelle Wie, Angelina Jolie, Steve Nash, Paul Simon, Ralph Lauren, Al Gore, and *gulp* Katie Couric. I guess the definition has changed over the years.

Builders & Titans

Ah, who really cares, huh?

So after all of this I give you my personal list of those who shaped my world.

• Sara Lee
• Dolly Madison
• Betty Crocker
• Cartman
• Dirty Harry
• Gilligan
• Tennessee Tuxedo
• Both Sears and JC Penny Catalogs from the early 80's.
  

Mouthful of Cavities

I have decided to take the day off.

Just so there is no confusion, it is not in support of mi hermanos y hermanas. They seem to do very well on their own. Although it will be a little strange ordering my customary bacon cheeseburger in english. "Cheesburger de tocino, ningunos encurtidos y cebollas, por favor." Yes, it is going to be strange indeed.

I took the day off in protest of dentists.

There are too many of them and most of them are here illegally. I see them every morning down on the street corners with their little bags full of drills, flouride treatment, free floss and toothbrushes, and those little sharp pointy objects that they stick in your teeth then wiggle around like they are trying to extract ore. It is an ugly epidemic let me tell you, boy oh howdy.

Why am I so adamantly opposed to illegal dentistry? Because one of them worked on me on Friday. Sure, it started out well and dandy on Tuesday of last week. "MDB (aka AB), it seems as though you have 6 cavities that need to be filled. I am free Friday. How about you?"

I shyly said, "Sure".

Friday came and I found myself in the chair of the dentist with my mouth open and him shoving his hands in there. The worst part was sticking needles in my mouth to numb those areas of interest. He would then jiggle my cheeks like some old grandma. I was waiting for him to say, "You are a cute little patient...yes you are...just cute!" He didn't. Somehow that depressed me.

The assistant asked me if I would like any medication to relax or at least some laughing gas. I said, "No, I am a man!" By which I mean I sit around in my underwear and watch football all day while passing artistic forms of gas. What it also means is I cry like a baby when no one is watching. After the numbing needles tore into my gums a small tear ran down my cheek. I quickly wiped it off so she wouldn't see it. No man cries in front of a woman. Unless you are Ben Affleck. What a baby.

The rest of the appointment went like this: lots of drooling and dribbling of liquid, many sucking sounds from the little sucky things that suck out your gums and tongue (sounds sexy, yo), drilling with enamel smoke wafting up into the air and into my eyes, then adding a paste-like substance which was very much like super glue with a slight minty fresh taste.

I was then sent home with a pat on my back and free floss and a toothbrush in a nice bright plastic bag. It is so great of those dental sales representatives to give that stuff out for free then allow the dentists to take credit for it. That is the world I really enjoy living in.