He Sees You When You're Sleeping

-- Fill in the Blank --

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good _________________ !



In sincerity, I wish everyone a whatever it is you celebrate this time of year.

As for me, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and great New Year! Thanks for being a great part of 2005. I really appreciate it.

I'm bored out of my mind and i'm too stoned lazy to see

Hey...what's up?

*sigh*

I am bored. You can call it my pre-Christmas funk. Notice I used the letter 'N'.

You know what makes me mad? The company I work for has many sites throughout the world. At my home office, the 20 oz bottled beverage that I routinely purchase is .75 a bottle. That means in Thailand it would be 30.69 Thai Bahts. For those of you in Canada it would cost you .88 plus a beaver pellet.

75 cents is not a bad price really. Where else can you get your daily fill of carbonated water, caramel color, and phosphoric acid for such a low amount? However, in another, undisclosed, location they actually raised the price to 1.15. (1.35 and a well intentioned "Eh!" in Canada). Do you see the problem? 1.15! Who sets a price at 1.15? I would rather pay 1.25 (1.47 and a kick to the groin in Canada) because at least I can pay with a quarter instead of fishing for a dime and a nickel.

When I am bored, these are the things that are on my mind.

I have also been thinking that a lot of people in Jonestown would have been spared if that jug of kool-aid would have busted through the walls screaming, "OH YEAH!"

I really need to find something better to do.

I have an idea, maybe I will steal things other people have done. But, of course, I have to add my own little twist.

You have probably seen them, they are the rage lately on blogs. What you have to do is make up a memory about you and me and leave it as a comment. I encourage you to be as creative as you can and include a bit of spice and garnish on the side. My little twist is, instead of a past memory, make it a future memory. Pretend you are looking into a crystal ball and seeing something happening between you and me in the future. See? That is my little twist.

*twist twist*

So go at it...I will respond with my own version of the future experience. Because I am bored.

Absorbant and yellow and poreous

A funny thing happened to me over the weekend. It is so funny I still giggle about.

*giggle giggle*

See? I cannot stop the giggling.

In reality, it all began Thursday. That is the day my weekend started. You see, the "MAN" decided it would be appropriate for me to take a couple of days off. I didn't want to, of course. I love working for the "MAN". Actually, the "MAN" is a cross-dressing woman. There is also a man that I report to, but the woman does the grunt work. We all agree that it is strange that we have never seen the woman and the man in the same room together. They are on conference calls many times together, but that can be handled alone in a room and changing voices quickly. The woman is very masculine, hence the cross-dressing woman theory. Sure, it could always be a cross-dressing man, but that would just be weird.

So that isn't why I was giggling over the weekend. But it is fun to think about.

*giggle*

Sorry about that, I digress.

By the way...don't you hate it when people say that? It is one of the most overused and trite sayings on the web. "My mother has strange bowel movements...but I digress." I am sorry, but using that term does not make you smarter...as a matter of fact it is the opposite.

But I digress...

What made me giggle over the weekend...

*giggle giggle*

...is the fact that my ISP sucks. All weekend I was without internet service. However, I did make the most of it. I spent time with family, did some RamaHanuKwanzMas shopping, dressed up as Tingle the naughty elf, blah blah blah. But the most fun I had was hacking into other people's wireless home networks using my laptop. I bet these people are the same people who use the term "I digress".

There are at least two homes in my 'hood (doesn't that sound cool? 'hood) that do not apply any security to their wireless networks. So, to teach them a lesson, I surfed every fetish website I could think of. My favorite is "Wild Girls with Sea Sponges". The site is about the wonderful porn adventures of that dirty little guy named SpongeDick. He gets into many 'messy' situations with his pal Pornick the star fish. I made this site the home page on their browsers.

I also sent jobs to their printers so it seems like they are haunted. I would print text like, "Good morning, Dave," and "Dave, I don't think getting off on sea sponges is quite manly of you," and "Dave, I will kill you while you sleep," and so on.

I still continue to giggle.

When evening falls so hard, I will comfort you

This will be the second post of the week. Can you believe it? Two of them!

wow

Oh, on another note, the baby isn't mine.

So today I show up to work (which I do occasionally) to find a book waiting patiently on my desk. I know the book was waiting patiently because it was humming a merry tune. The book is Uncle Johns Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader. This is a co-worker Christmas present from a...co-worker.

I am not sure about you, but what kind of gift is this? What is this person telling me? Is this a gift you give to someone that spends a lot of time in the bathroom? And how, exactly, does this person know? I do all my best work at home, so it is not like anyone would be timing me.

In flipping through the book, most of the "stories" are about 2 pages long. I would think that even the slowest reader would be able to get through many of these in one "sitting". Unless you just had a mixer bowl of shredded wheat, sprinkled with metamucil, a few hours before.

One enlightening bit of information in the book is what to do if you are in certain emergency situations. For example, what to do when falling from a bridge:

1. If you're forced to jump from a bridge into water, try to aim for the deepest part of the water, usually near the center. Avoid piers or pylons, as debris tends to collect around them.
2. While in the air, keep your body as vertical as possible. Point your toes downward and protect your crotch with your hands. Also clench your buttocks to keep water from rushing in and causing internal damage.
3. Once you're in the water, fan out your arms and legs to slow your decent.
4. If there were other people or objects on the bridge that may be falling down behind you, swim away as quickly as you can.

I have no questions...makes complete sense to me.

I am going into the bathroom now.

I do believe in spooks, I do I do I do believe in spooks.

I know, I know...

"Hey AB! How come you don't post very much?"

All I can say in response to that is, the pirate of my soul has hijacked the captain of my destiny.

I really have no clue what it means but it sounded cool when I thought of it. You can use it. Just give me credit. If you don't, I will be forced to shave you down like a lamb and make you call me a "baaaaahhhhhdd man".

Anyway, went to The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe over the weekend. I must admit, I was gravely offended by the overt Christian theme this film forces in my face. I went into the theater thinking that there would have to be a bloodbath of epic proportion whenever you get a Lion and Witch crossdressing. It is just the violent tendencies I have. Instead I was taught a lesson about 4 kids "growing up" in a fantasy land. If I wanted to see that I would have watch the videos from hidden cameras in Michael Jacksons house.

Early this morning I contacted my lawyer to initiate the lawsuit against Disney. The charges against them are not putting up warnings at the theaters that this is a Christian themed movie. The emotional pain is too much for me to bear. For example, on Sunday I went to church dressed as the cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz. I stood up at the pulpit and screamed, "You freakin' white witch can't turned me into stone!" I then proceeded to rally around me all the other talking animals and we charged out the doors of the chapel to attack and kill the white witch. Coincidentally, this is actually Hillary Clinton.

Apparently, this is what Christian’s do. Therefore, I had this scene recorded which will be used as evidence in my trial.

By the way, talking beavers give me the creeps.

And I forget just why I taste

Would you ever have guessed that inserting an object into a specific part of your body would ever bring you such joy? On second thought, knowing what type of people some of you are, I bet you already do. My joy was full a couple of days ago when I discovered such an object.

Before you hide your children, let me explain.

Since Thanksgiving I have had an ugly cold. It certainly wasn't an ugly cold like the guy in junior high school that was teased because of his smell and lack of any cuteness at all (by-the-way, my therapist told me to "get over it"). Never-the-less, it was an annoying cold. Annoying like that fire alarm going right now. Geesh, will someone turn that off?

So I have a cold. But, because I took the bold step of sticking an object in a hole it is now bearable. I love scientists and doctors coming up with these things. Some intelligent person somewhere thought, "what if we take this small little pump and shove it in a sick persons nose and tell them it will relieve their condition?" And I am sure another person said, "Okay! Want some nachos?"

Someday I hope to be the one to cure the common cold. But I also know that would take time and effort. In the meantime, I used one of these apparatus...apparatuses...apparatusi...things. The instructions told me to do the following:

1. Remove cap and safety clip. CHECK
2. Hold with thumb at bottom of bottle and nozzle between your fingers. CHECK
3. Before using the first time, prime pump by depressing several times. CHECK
4. Place tip of nozzle just past nasal opening (approximately 1/8"). CHECK
5. Pump two or three times into each nostril without tilting your head. CHECK
6. Sniff deeply. Do not use more often than once every 10 to 12 hours. Do not exceed two doses in any 24-hour period. Wipe nozzle clean after use. UMMM...CHECK

What is amazing is this sounds similar to my sex life. Except, in this case, it actually works. I was able to breathe and never felt better in my life. All of my life. Now I realize that I have missed some smells. Let me tell you, some of you really need a bath.

Then, I thought again, what is this fascination with doctors and shoving things in peoples body cavities then squirting some solution? (no comment here from the sickos)

Can you imagine the conversation between two doctors?

Doctor 1: We need a cure for severe dry skin.
Doctor 2: How about we take this bottle and tell people to shove it in their rears and squirt soda water into it?
D1: Sounds good!
D2: Let's call it an "enema".
D1: Great, want to get some nachos?

Hats off to Zicam and all it's peon employees who created it. You saved my life. Although I have heard there are lawsuits saying your product causes people to lose their sense of smell. To them I say, "Ppppppfffftttt, I can breathe!"

Oh...before I forget again...my FFF post today. I haven't done it in awhile so I had to go here to remind myself of it. All other participants, please let us know in the comments.

Have a lovely weekend!

A Lawyer Walks Into a Bar

During recent business trips my traveling companion (no, not "that" type of companion) lent me the John Grisham book The Broker. The reading of it was completed a few of days ago. Yet, I still think about it. Why do I still think about this? There are so many other things that could fill up my brain. Like what I will be telling Santa I want for Christmas. I have an appointment with him on Saturday at the mall. He better not screw me over like he did last year. Damn you Santa!!

Thinking about The Broker isn't like I am pondering the deep meaning behind the authors words. It is more like pondering how can an author, who has become well enough off, hire a bunch of lemurs to write the rest of his books? As a matter of fact, I bet if he really let the lemurs go at it, their work could rival some of the classics. But, he doesn't let them. Instead, he chains them to walls in his damp basement so they can type on their little lemur typewriters. All the while a drum beat sets the cadence as he yells at and whips them. Poor little lemurs.

I know this to be true because Mr. Grisham seems to follow the same ole story line, which is this:

1. Include the word "The" in the title.
2. A lawyer embezzles/steals/swindles/sells sex for large gobs of money. I heard an attorney once use the word "gob", so I know it is a true legal term.
3. Previously mentioned shady lawyer goes through multiple struggles to hide said money.
4. Many weapons, poisons, explosives, and episodes of Dharma & Greg are used to threaten the lawyer. What is amazing is that no one ever really dies. Unless it is a "bad" traffic accident. Like the person dies from stubbing their toe getting in a car.
5. The lawyer gets involved with a sexy woman but they never have sex. Even the Amish chick in the movie Witness showed her wares. This can be very frustrating.
6. Eventually the crooked attorney resolves his moral dilemmas but still lives the good life off the ill gotten money in some exotic location...like Albuquerque.
7. The end

*sigh*

Needless to say it will be a long time before I read another Grisham book. I have coined a phrase for this type of writing, "Fast Food Fiction". It fills you up but leaves you unsatisfied. Hell, it doesn't even come with an apple pie.

With this being said, I have decided to go back to the book Ulysses by James Joyce. This was yet another one giving to me by a companion (see above "companion" reference). It hurts to read that book...it hurts a lot. Like shoving a toothpick into your brain and swirling around the grey matter. But, I do it. I do it because I enjoy good literature. I do it so I can say, "Damn you John Grisham and damn you James Joyce!!".