But I Don't Know 'cause I'm The Squid

I usually don't like to stay with one theme for very long. This is normally because I have a very short attenti..........................................

Today I would like to talk about mating squid. Yes. This is starting from where I left off a couple of days ago. Call it a fetish I have. No...you better not.

I did come across a new blog containing squid erotica. It was hot, yo. I decided to share some of it with you today. It is very explicit and is intended only for mature audiences. So if you are an audience but an immature one, you must leave. Otherwise read on. But remember the following may be outlawed in your locale.

"When a male went pale and started Flickering the intensity on and off, a VERY visible signal in the shallow water, it showed a serious intent to mate. Males pass spermatophores to the female by sticking them onto her skin just below the eyes. A willing female often turns pale herself and the pair swim fairly quickly side-by-side back and forth in a Rocking motion, with him still Flickering, for a minute or so. Then he darts around in front of her and sticks the spermatophores in place; the probability of this transition is 0.3. The female can then take them and puts them in her mantle cavity, where the sperm are stored for later fertilization of her eggs.

"All this depends on the female being willing. If she isn't, she has a bag of tricks up her sleeve (well, mantle). First, she may just jet away, and if this jet isn't too fast the male may Chase her. Sometimes the chase turns into Rocking and then they mate; it could be that females are testing males for fitness by doing this. If she's only mildly resistant, she may put an agonistic pattern of rough vertical Zebra stripes on her skin. If she's really serious she can dodge when the male chases, go down to the bottom near the sand or coral, and do a linear arms-up posture with dark skin that seems to really mean business. If she does these things, the probability of a mating attempt drops to near zero.

"Courtship and mating went on mostly in the early morning and late afternoon. Consortship could be reasonably long-term; we watched one pair form about 7:30 a.m. and they mated throughout the next few hours. They mated quickly twice within an hour, then the male had a prolonged period of Flickering and eventual mating later in the morning. Near noon he Flickered and tried to pass spermatophores, but was rejected--he was more eager than her."

Doesn't that just make you hot? Wow...it sure does to...umm...nevermind.

I must admit, the above story sounds strangely familiar to my life. I suddenly feel a closeness to the male squids I never thought I would. It is almost like we are brothers. I was especially interested in the "mated throughout the next few hours" and "twice within an hour". Before you think something different, a squid has a better sex life than I do. I sure do a whole lot of flickering for nothing. I flicker and flicker until my flickerer flicks off.

Have you heard about those giant squids that are found dead on beaches? I bet $100 million it was suicide.

Before I forget, fresh from the squid erotica blog, todays FFF:

BTW...I think I am in lvoe.

Here are some others who have long tentacles and big suckers:

1. OGO shows her big, fat, harry...
2. Techy Mike shows his caulk.
3. Wife shows that everything is big in Texas
   
4. There are others, they are just hiding behind the curtain.
   

I Would Not, Could Not, With a Mouse

I have nothing today. I have had nothing for a few days now and there is a good chance that I will have nothing in the future. Don't even get me started on the fact that I get nothing either. I can't go there. What I do get will be taken away. So don't tempt me. Don't do it...don't.

Because I have, and get, nothing I have decided to share some news headlines and comment on them. Which is very much like what other bloggers do. Except with me I don't have this grandiose image of myself as some wonderful human being with an idea or opinion that no one else has ever thought of. I also don't have this dream that I will be the next Matt Drudge. No, I will just go on being the self proclaimed positive-realist I have always been.

Army Pfc. Lynndie England, who said she was only trying to please her soldier boyfriend when she took part in detainee abuse at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison.

Usually when I want to have my white trash girlfriend impress me I have her read "Green Eggs and Ham" to me. I love it when she says seductively to me, "I would not, could not, with a goat". Of course, I know she is lying. Damn, wench.

Concorde chief faces crash probe

Poor guy. I hope they are gentle to him when they do the probe. It reminds me of the time that aliens visited my neighborhood. They usually come through about once a year and sell their stuff on the street corner. I bought a laser from them that I put in my pocket too quickly and...nevermind.

Consumer Confidence Shows Biggest Drop in 15 Years

I know what this feels like. Everytime I go to a fast food place I get very intimidated when I can never get the order right.

Me: I don't want any pickles on my burger.
Them: ¿Qué?
Me: No pickles please.
Them: ¿Qué?
Me: Empuje los encurtidos en su asno
Them: ¿Qué?

Scientists Photograph Giant Squid in Wild

If I was one of these "scientists" I would take take the pics and create my own video name "Squids Gone Wild" and a web site call hotandhornyyoungsquids.com. That is the problem with scientists. They have no clue the real value of what they are doing. Eventually the squid will marry Lynndie England and then the site will generate loads of money.

Ok...I am done. Have a nice...err...day.

Love Me, Baby, Just as I am, Just as I Am

I don't know about you but I really like to add excitement to the humdrum and monotonous ritual of going to the bathroom. Oh sure, I could read books, work on my PDA, have a sandwich, and even sing a little tune. I prefer the famous Everly Brothers song "Bye Bye Love" followed by the raucous Air Supply classic "Just as I Am". But over time these can get boring.

One thing I do (hehe...I said "do") is I get all my exercising done while on the toilet. It is actually a very good workout. For example, I mix in some leg lifts then do some arm twists and, of course, the kegals get stronger.

My favorite exercise is what I call "the hover". To do this put both hands on the seat of the toilet then slowly lift yourself off the porcelin. Hold it there for a count of 10 then sit yourself back down. During your hold try to split your legs out and in. You will want to do approximately 5 reps of 10. Every second one let out a loud, "GEEEEEEEYYYYYEEEEEEAAAHHHH!"

After these you can then do some "bowl ups". This is done by going up and down with your arms like you do in push ups. Except in this exercise you are pushing yourself up from a sitting position on the toilet until your arms are extended. Also extend your legs. Do some 50 sets of 49 1/3 reps of these and you will feel it burn (among other things that are burning). With each one bellow, "GGGGGRRRRRRRRRAAAHHHHH!!"

Now it is time for the squats. Stand with legs akimbo on the seat of the toilet then crouch down. Just a like a normal squat. Do 1000 of these. This exercise will definitely help with the reason you came to the John in the first place. A word of caution for public restroom users, those sanitary seat covers can be slippery.

Upon finishing your last squat, leap from the toilet and yell, "ZZZZRRRROOOMMMMAAAHHH!!"

I became very disappointed upon learning that in certain countries I will not be able to perform these exercises. How depressing. Of course, the countries are places I probably wouldn't want to visit anyway, but my point is my freedom of expression is being curtailed...somehow.

Below is proof as well as my FFF for today.

Malaysia

Saudi Arabia
(Notice I did not block out one of these - I like the silly face. Saudi Arabians are so happy when they take (or leave) a crap)

Others who got off the pot on FFF:

1. Let me know...I am too tired to look :)
   

We Got the Bubble-Headed-Bleach-Blonde

It is not everyday that I post 2 days in a row...err...umm...right.

Today I just had to. Did you see that one plane have that thing that was bad with the front landing gear all crazy like? And, like, the whole thing landed and there was like this fire and all. But, like, everyone was good. It was wild.

Well, I couldn't stop watching that landing. I am glad it ended well, but I was definitely on the edge of my seat. Unfortunately, I don't think the same things can be said for a certain person (Paula Zahn) on a certain news channel (CNN).

I decided to transcribe what I heard. Please let me know if you see anything strange here.

Paula Zahn: Hello. We take a break from yet another hurricane to give you bigger news. A plane is about to crash and kill everyone on board. See, here is a video of it. Isn't this wild? Wow...can you believe I am the one who gets to narrate this? Look! The front wheel is all skeewhumpus. I bet that will cause some major problems when it lands. To help us understand what could happen we have an actual pilot on the phone. Can you believe it? I got an actual pilot to call me. This has to be a dream come true for me. Because in high school I always fantasized about getting with a pilot in a jet and going a mile high...

Exert Pilot 1: H...hello? Am I on? Hello?

PZ: Oh...yes. Hi. Could you please tell us what it will be like to hear 145 people screaming for their lives as this plane crashes in a fiery blaze?

EP1: Umm...well...the pilots are trained to handle...

PZ: How big will the crater be after a plane that size hits the ground going 400 mph?

EP1: I don't think...the pilots are very skilled...and things will be ok...

PZ: Don't you think, though, that burning off the fuel before they try to land...won't that just make the fire less exciting?

EP1: Ummm

PZ: Oh wow! We have another pilot on the phone. Can you believe it? This reminds me of my other fantasy when...

Expert Pilot 2: Hi, I fly for United and...

EP1: Was I done??

PZ: Mr. second pilot, what do you think of the first pilot I was talking to? He really wasn't very smart. I mean, don't you just think he was an idiot? Please tell me that we will have a ratings hit when this plane takes out half of LA?

EP2: I really don't know him...

PZ: Don't you want to kick his ass? What a jerk. I bet he sleeps with gerbils in his butt.

EP2: I really don't know what this has to do with...

PZ: Now we will go to our expert weather chick whom I hate because she is better looking than me. How is that hurricane going?

Weather Chick: Well Paula I am not sure. But I really like saying "Barometric Pressure". It reminds me of an italian boyfriend I had. He would do this little thing with his tongue...

PZ: Oh crap. Larry King is going to finish the plane story? I quit!

Larry King: HELLO DES MOINES!!

Things I Think About When I Don't Think

1) Would any real man in his right mind wear clothes that have the name “Dickies” attached to them?

2) Kate Moss, a thin supermodel, was caught using cocaine. Immediately advertisers cancelled contracts with her. What about all the other thin supermodels that actually haven’t admitted to using cocaine but obviously they do?

3) Why does George W. Bush hate the gulf coast? That man is be sending another hurricane there. What a mean man.

4) Do you ever hear someone say peanuts but think they said “penis”? For example, I heard the other day someone say, “I really like M&M’s with penis.” Maybe it is just me.

5) There should be a law created that a person that looks like this should never win an award.

6) Why do some people confuse the mute button with the hold button? I love conference calls when someone presses hold and annoying Michael Bolton music comes on that about 30 people are forced to listen to. Maybe phone manufacturers should add a ‘Dumbass’ button.

7) When gunk gets stuck in the crevices of my watch why do I feel the compulsive urge to get a pushpin and start scraping it out? Again, maybe it is just me.

8) I really do want more than 1 ketchup packet for my Wendy’s Great Biggie fries. Maybe there is a ketchup shortage. Ketchup farmers had a really bad year.

9) I don’t like people who say “Catsup”.

10) I also don’t like people who say, “I am going to kill you, you ugly bastard.”

11) My favorite number is 11. Why do people have favorite numbers? What has a number ever done for you? One time seven ate nine and I never forgave it.

12) I apologize for number 11.

13) I don’t think we use the word “allegedly” enough.

14) I don’t think we use the word “malfeasance” enough.

15) I wonder if anyone has ever been allegedly malfeased?

16) Here is a little bit of advice for TV shows and FM DJ’s who feel the need to use a laugh track on their shows. If you have to use a laugh track, your show sucks.

17) I think in order to make baseball more exciting whenever anyone hits a home run the pitcher will need to eat the ball.

18) Golf would be more exciting if they had more big-boobed women running across the greens.

19) I once wrote a poem. I had to quit writing poetry because I got strange desires to slowly beat my head with a rock, then stick my head in a gas oven, then speak slowly to people because they are just not as intelligent as I am, and eventually kill myself.

20) I truly believe there is an ulterior motive to naming Wednesday “Hump Day”. I have solicited certain individuals to help with this. To this point I have not had any luck. Maybe it is just me.

I See People Turn Their Heads and Quickly Look Away

At the office we have a bad infestation problem. At first we really didn’t know it was happening. Every so often we would see things out of place, something turned over, or noticeable bite marks. We all thought these were signs of lascivious janitors but I believe our views have changed.

Morons are overrunning us.

The critters are now more open and daring. They are all over the place.

At first they would just run away as someone turns on the lights. Now they are out in the light selling their wares of stupidity on the open market.

We would try to swat them with brooms, but they are so greasy they slip through the bristles. Traps don’t work because when the morons grab the food and their necks snap they somehow come back to life. I think we are dealing with the worst breed of morons…Zombie Morons. They will never die and will continually feast on your brains until you become one yourself.

One moron found it’s way into my Word documents. I hit it with a rolled up newspaper. All it did was sneer at me then run away giggling. I hate these guys.

One would wonder why management would allow this invasion of morons to continue.Some guess they are blind. I am of the opinion that they can get a half-assed job for 1/4^th of the money. If you think about it that is one hell of a deal.

You should not have believed me...I loved you not.

I am not sure what it is but when people quote Shakespeare to me I, at first, get a small twinge of excitement. It usually starts in the lower portion of my bowels and works it way up to my ear. Which is really gross if you sit down with a committee, create some synergy within the group, then go out for chinese, and finally think about it for a minute.

After this I then curl up into a tiny ball of fury, quickly spin around, then attack the perpetrator with a swift boot to the head. I will feel guilty because I really love Shakespeare. Here, let me quote from my favorite work of his.

Lo, in these windows that let forth thy life,
I pour the helpless balm of my poor eyes.
Cursed be the hand that made these fatal holes!
Cursed be the heart that had the heart to do it!
Cursed the blood that let this blood from hence!

Doesn't that just make you want to strangle a goat? Yet it is so sublime and rich in context. I love it. It is almost like William has taken you beneath the bleachers and impregnated you with the son of the literature gods. Of course the lit gods will deny it is their child...that is until the DNA test results come back.

So now we have a Hurricane out there spinning around which some lonely men at the Center for Hurricane Lewdness and Depauchery decided to call Ophelia. Everyone knows that Ophelia is the name of a major female character in Shakeys play Hamlet. You know the one, "To be or not to be, I think I left my sunglasses at Starbucks." That one.

I was ticked at first, until I began to remember who Ophelia was. Instead of explaining to you I will quote those who wish to make up crap about the meaning behind the great works of literature.

"Ophelia's distinct purpose is to show at once Hamlet's warped view of women as callous sexual predators, and the innocence and virtue of women."

"Perhaps it may be granted...that what makes a woman a whore in the Hamlets' estimation is her sexual use by not one man but by more than one man...."

"To those who are not blinded by hurt and rage, Ophelia is the epitome of goodness."

Leave it to those who critique literature to always bring sex into the picture. It is always about sex. Sex sex sex. Then they go on to say that a whore is good. The only good whore is one that gives me half off.

With the the whoredom of Ophelia deeply in my mind, I give you todays FFF...



I am thinking her name should more appropriately be, "OH FEEL YA".

Now onto those others who are whoring themselves out on FFF:

1. Techy Mike Shows His Rock Hard Wiener
2. CaCa Whores the Sacredness of Barbie
3. OGO Proves Bert Is Not Ernies Love Muppet
4. The Wife Shows That Clowns Are Evil
   
5. Others?
   

Traveling in a Fried-out Combie

In case you missed it, make sure you go here and dance along with it. My prayer is that it sticks in your head all day and drives you to maniacal depression. If that is even possible. I believe it is. And I am a doctor...

So, guess what? I woke up the other morning and went downstairs like I normally do. Some days I step out the upstairs windows and fall to a bone crunching awakening. This morning I wasn't feeling particularly frisky so I took the stairs.

After fixing something for breakfast (usually a piece of toast and vegemite - I am so Aussie, yo) I noticed the door to the hamster cage was open. If you need a bit of history on these hamsters please go here. No, wait. I mean here.

The one hamster, we affectionately call 'Fred', was there but the other, 'Ricky', was no where near the cage. I don't know all the instincts of free range homosexual hamsters but I had some assumptions. I looked at the rabbit for any clues, but she just sat there thinking, "Bunny bunny bunny, I love being a bunny. I hate you AB. You must die! I pwnt you!" Damn rabbit.

Under the rabbit cage, however, I noticed a piece of paper with some odd writing on it. It stated "Hamster Rave - Under AB's Refrigerator - Tonight".

Not again, I thought to myself.

Sure enough, under the refrigerator was Ricky passed out with a pacifier in his mouth and sleeping in his own vomit. The music was still thumping and flashing strobes still...flashing or strobing. The only other gay ravers were a couple of mice wearing spandex hot pants and a ferret named Sean.

Once again I cleaned up after the party and put Ricky back in his cage. Fred was indifferent and the rabbit kept sharpening a large knife while mumbling "I hate you...I hate you".

Such was my morning.

Oh, and vegemite really sucks.

And Justice for Llamas

You want to know my fast and easy solution to choosing Supreme Court Justices? You don't? Oh well.

...

Here it is, I say we have the nominees compete in a contest like Battle of the Network Stars. Remember that lame show? Lame, but oh so funny and enthralling. I couldn't get enough of that tug 'o' war. Or Willie Ames falling in the dirt during the obstacle course. I laughed and laughed.

So you have the nominees compete in all these events and the winner obviously becomes the new Supreme Court justice. Just to make it interesting we allow some people who were the most intriquing guests on the Jerry Springer show compete as well. If they win then it will definitely bring balance to the court. Maybe we have a llama compete too. I bet a pack of llamas would make pretty interesting decisions in judging the constitutionality of the laws of the land.

To choose the chief justice all of the current justices (including the llama) will compete in the obstacle course. I bet Ginsberg has some moves, yo. Flaming liberals usually do.

Thereyago, what do you think? To draw interest to this idea I present to you for your FFF viewing pleasure....

A bunch of old people in robes

Am I the only one that thinks that Sandra Day O'Connor looks like George Washington?

Others who have disrobed:

1. The Wife Likes it Doggy Style (that just does not sound right at all)
2. Binsk Gets Frigid
3. Dragko Chokes His Chicken (i think)
4. OGO Shows the Bunny
5. Quixotic Cat and Interspecies Relations
6. Debi Rides a Cowboy
7. CaCa Boy Shows His Monkey
8. Freedom Girl Reveals Her...umm...Cat
   
9. Let me know of any others

"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm."

I start this post by mentioning something a good friend once told me. I quote, “my feet are supple” and “I'm much better at bringing up the rear." I am not sure, but I think this person was coming on to me. But I can’t tell.

Although I still can’t get those quotes out of my mind I must move on to more important things.

With all of you, I extend my best wishes and as much help as I can to those affected by Hurricane Katrina. I hate hurricanes. I have been in a couple and I refuse to allow them to tick me off any further. Therefore I offer…

Things I Learned About Emergency Preparedness From That Witch Katrina

1. Build up a large supply of guns and ammo. There are two reasons for this: 1) To scare away looters, and 2) To get the attention of rescue helicopters.
   
2. Become close friends with a number of celebrities so they will put on a telethon. The risk with this is that although they are willing to lend their "talents" to your cause they probably won't give any of their own money, offer any of their million dollar homes for you to stay in, or get dirty in helping you cleanup.
3. Prepare a written statement where you blame all your problems on the President. Sure, he personally didn't plan any of your city's emergency procedures or put so many people of one race or economic status in one spot or force you to live in a bowl or actually began digging at the dikes a couple of days before the hurricane hit or fail to give more money 20 years earlier or wasn't in the hundreds of rescue teams that actually were there in the beginning. But he is a slow hick from Texas. So what the hell, huh?
4. Make sure you stock up on the absolute necessities of life. Items may include water, bread, Diet Pepsi, designer jeans, TV's, video games, watches, broken slot machines and ATM's etc.
5. Get out a map and plot a course to the nearest large indoor sports stadium. Preferably one with no running water, food, and toilets that back up.
6. If you own a casino, build it on dry land. If you don't own a casino, be prepared to help the owners transport their money to a safe location.
7. Have a large slab of styrofoam that you can float around on. Maybe a bag full of packing peanuts will work too.
8. Build a nice fort on your roof. You may be living there for a while. This could also work for the top of your car.
9. Two words: Alligator repellent.
10. Move to Iowa. They don't name a tornado, so that will lower the risk
    
11. Retain a lawyer and let the suing begin.

Special Edition of FFF

Since it will be a long weekend (Happy Labor Day everyone! Now get back to work!!), I thought you all deserve a bonus FFF based on yesterdays theme. Or, it just shows how deeply entrenched in sin I have become. Oh well...

**WARNING** - Hardcore FFF - Protect the Children!

I am about to do something that I didn't think I would ever do. But, like the proverbial camel in the tent (aka 'slippery slope'), it has finally come to this. Everytime, we have gone a little farther. We became a little more risky. Finally we just cross that ugly line.

Can I ever turn back? Who will save me? I have fallen into the vortex of iniquity. I hope that those who are close to me (you know who you are) will continue to find good in me. The temptation has just become too much.

Forgive me bloggers for I have sinned.

Here is todays Full Frontal Friday Post (two for one)



And a threesome...

Below is a list of others whom you might want to remember in your prayers:

1. Debi is Smoking Hot
2. Ben Shows a Nasty Fetish
3. CaCa Boy Shows the Round Mounds
4. OGO Gives Us Her Mind
5. TechyMike Shows His Private Mole
6. Dementia Shows ...ummm...a "rooster".
7. FreedomGirl Gets Shaved
8. Dragko Falls Apart
   
9. Anymore?